Uncategorized

Bonnie shares her experience, strength and hope, here.

By Stephen R

Book in hand
I live in the Gutenberg Galaxy

I love, and am grateful for, the little quotations which often precede chapters in non-fiction. They set the tone for the subsequent passage. The one above is unrehearsed, unedited. I am grateful for the sea-change in writing to which my sponsor has introduced me: a full sentence which is pre-written except for the nugget of truth.

To wit: “What is the spiritual solution to my fear of death? – acknowledge that God has always protected me.”

Punctuate
Delineate
Accelerate
Moderate
Procrastinate

These are the distractions which cause my text to swirl on the page, endlessly, insistently, viciously.

I am grateful for the discipline of the exercise today to deliver an unpolished and unedited note. The only change I would make would be to center the poetic line at the beginning and remove the crossed-out typographical error.

I am grateful for my fellow writers and their immersion.

Wiggle
Waggle
No – stay in the chair

After-title:  Sea of Change

By Dede H.

Our soft messy flesh is
Too soft to calculate
Too moist to cut into
Without hurting us
Yet inside there is nothing
Nothing but energy and air
Sure there’s lots of everything
Blood and fat and hair
If I am everything yet
I am nothing
What am I supposed to do?
Right now what?
You say there is peace
It is found in the breath
I breathe in I breathe out
Slow it down please
Look up let your gaze soften
You see your Higher Power?
Your lover? Your friend?
In the end that is all
There it is

By Paul B

When I was a child, my mother had a framed picture of a cartoon of a barefoot man with a caption quote: “I was sad that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” When I was drinking and using drugs I had become so pessimistic and angry at the world that I would curse God, occasionally even shouting at the sky: “why are you doing this to me?!” 

I finally had the thought that all of the bad things I am experiencing are a consequence of my drinking/purging and/or God’s way of telling me I need to get sober. I have since come to believe that if I focus on the negative, am angry or fearful then I get a lot of the same back. 

If I focus on gratitude, love and faith…

Now I start every morning with the serenity third step and seventh step 11 step prayer followed by a prayer of gratitude:

That I woke up healthy
I have clean water to drink
clean air to breathe
Food to eat
A roof over my head
Bed to sleep on
Clean clothes to wear
Friends and Meetings to go to my recovery

Thank you for doing this for me. May I continue never to forget when I didn’t have these things.

Bringing Joy to the Less Fortunate

By Rick R.

How appropriate it seems that there are twelve months in a year, and we have twelve steps in the program. November is often referred to as the Gratitude month, due to the celebration of Thanksgiving. The joy of good living is the theme of Step Twelve, and it blends right in with the December Christmas holiday season, ending with the New Year’s Eve celebration. This time of year does bring joy to many of us but it also brings distress to some of the less fortunate ones who have yet been blessed with the gift of sobriety and peace of mind, in and outside of A.A.

During my drinking days I used to be extremely uncomfortable about the holidays. I never knew how to act around normal people unless I was half smashed. When invited by one of my siblings to Thanksgiving dinner, I felt like a charity case and would rather just hang out at the bar where I felt safe. I never got into the spirit of reaching out to others. My family always celebrated the different holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. Due to my discomfort, I would always put a damper on it by complaining about the tacky gifts that people would buy for each other at Christmas and the mad rush to go shopping and the commercializing facade that it had become. Any excuse was better than facing me and the miserable wretch I had become. 

 After being sober for several years it occurred to me that I still had some of those same attitudes, and that I was still holding on to them, to some degree, largely due to the inconvenience of it all. I explained this problem to a dear friend once, and he asked,” Does the rest of the family enjoy the holidays?” I said yes. He then said, “Why don’t you just take a back seat and just watch the joy in their eyes as they experience these things.”  I did exactly what he suggested and when I started to observe my wife and two adolescent girls and the childlike innocence and happiness it brought to them, it gave me a whole new appreciation for this time of year. It brought tears of Joy to my eyes. I no longer wanted to be the grouch, putting a damper on the joy that they were having. I have been following this line of thinking ever since and it has changed my whole perspective concerning these things.

 This change of attitude has inspired me to apply the unselfish lessons that I have come to understand and now I spend the holiday season filled with Joy. If it works like that for the holidays, then why can’t I bring it with me for the rest of the year? This has been my mission ever since my friend suggested it.  I am always looking for the opportunity to brighten the lives of people less fortunate than myself. I try to do these things anonymously and without fanfare. I also try to consider the discomfort that I used to feel when I was the one on the receiving end of a charitable gesture. I am careful to do these things in a way that preserves the dignity of that other person. I do not have to wait for the holidays to do these things. Every day is a holiday in and outside of my home. You can believe me when I say:  I reap more than my share of the joy. I hope this brings a new perspective to those who, like me, had trouble enjoying this time of year and I hope you all have a joyful Holiday Season, and many more.

by Christina G

It all started with cake – OK, I should say cake and pain. At the time I had been sober for 10+ years, but after having a couple of babies, I stopped prioritizing my AA program and I drifted away from AA. I was alone and in a lot of pain. I had a moment of clarity and knew I had to do something even though I wouldn’t have acknowledged it, I was definitely heading for a drink.

I found a meeting near my home. Going to the meeting I felt like a newcomer all over again, but I walked in and knew I was right where I needed to be. But this is where the cake comes in. A fellow AA member was an amazing baker and used to make a delicious homemade cake every Friday night – it kind of became an honorary service commitment.

There were many nights that I struggled leaving my kids and prioritizing myself by going to a meeting, but knowing that Joni was going to be there – it got me to come back. Joni is no longer with us but her service of baking cakes got me to many meetings – and overtime turned into the grace of a power greater than myself. It became less about the cake – but I’m grateful to her and her service.

By Michael B

Is bitter better? Does cynicism preserve sanity? These were the questions furiously ruminating through my head as I had sat in a chair in my 24th hour at SF general psychiatric emergency department. I was stripped of my clothes, my belongings and my ego. I was cold, I was alone, I was in nothing but a hospital gown. It was a site I had seen days prior from the comfort of my white coat just days prior as a consulting neurologist. Being surrounded by now fellow patients patients who had also lost hope or who had needed help brought tears to my eyes and humility to my mind and suffering to my heart. I had hit my bottom and I asked God for help. This was just 6 months ago.

Today I am writing this in a writing workshop on unity day sitting beside a gracious humble and beautiful woman who is helping guide me through the steps. It brings tears to my eyes as I put these words to this paper. Because now my mind is overcome with peace and my heart is full of immense gratitude. 

I know only my higher power, who I found through the help of AA, has brought me here today. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, I know today I am sober. 

I am grateful and my cynicism has been replaced by sanity. 

My bitterness has been replaced by grace. 

And the suffering of the past has been replaced by hope.

I know that if I stay close to this program, if I work the steps, if I continue to surrender over and over and day after day I will stay sober. It’s a life of “thy will not mine” and that is just beautiful.

By Alison T

What do I have to say about gratitude? It works if you work at it. Gratitude is a practice. It’s a muscle. It’s an action. It’s a state of mind. Practicing gratitude has changed the way that I look at the world. When I was a year and a half sober my roommate accidentally burnt my apartment down. My rent controlled apartment. 

What happened next was an adventure through gratitude. Gratitude got me to a meeting that night. It got me to speak at another meeting that night. I was just extremely grateful for it. And that me and my dog were safe. And for knowing I would be back no matter what.

That year, while waiting for my home to be rebuilt, I moved at least 20 times. I moved into hostels, friends houses, airbnb, and the homes of other members. I experienced heartbreak and processed trauma. And the whole time I said to myself : 

“I get to grow strong from this. I am so lucky. I am grateful.” 

I was grateful for the conviction that even losing everything I knew I would be okay no matter what. I was grateful for all the people in my life and all the support I had. Sometimes the feeling of gratitude was overwhelming to the point of tears. I would not have been able to survive the fire and the following year if it weren’t for life with gratitude. 

I no longer just survive, even in the case of catastrophe, I thrive.