The Buzz

By Jay F.

September is upon us here in San Francisco, and that means a change in the seasons as we transition from the summer fog (“Fogust?”) to more balmy weather. Of course, “balmy” to us is relative, just ask someone in Texas this time of year! September is also the ninth month of the year, and when us AAer’s turn our attention to step nine. This step is also about change, a change in our attitude and outlook on life.

When I was first exposed to the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, they seemed strange indeed. All the mentions of God, prayer, and inventory did not have much to do with quitting drinking as far as I could tell. At this early stage of recovery, I was still running the show, so I had not yet surrendered. Sound familiar?

I was in residential treatment at the time, and my fellow residents and I were making the rounds of the local AA meetings. We heard members share about working the steps and when they would share about making amends to those they had harmed, fear set in among us. We would talk amongst ourselves back at the house about how scary that was and if we could even do such a thing. I started going over in my mind the people I had harmed because of my drinking and just how scary it would be to make amends to them. I still did not see what this had to do with quitting drinking, but my attitude would soon change. 

When I got home from treatment and started to go to meetings on my own, the ninth step still loomed large. When I heard it read at meetings I cringed in fear. I got a sponsor and started working the steps, dreading number nine the whole time. My sponsor cautioned me not to look ahead and to focus on the step we were working on, reminding me they were in order for a reason. When we got to step eight, we looked back on the inventory from step four to make a list of all the persons I had harmed. With the help of my sponsor, I went through the list thoroughly to determine those to whom I would make amends. So, when we got to step nine, I was ready. 

I set about making amends to people and the reaction was overwhelmingly positive. This was a cathartic process for me, and I felt a tremendous weight lift from my shoulders. Practicing humility and taking responsibility freed me from the guilt and shame which so often leads to relapse. I finally saw what it had to do with my not drinking! 

If I continue to practice humility and accept my part in things the promises can come true, and I will be amazed before they are halfway through.