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30 06, 2024

I Thought I Was Being Responsible

By Anon

I always thought I was actually the responsible one in the equation. I thought that the “other half” of the relationship, whether business or marital, was what needed fixing. Most certainly if you had the kind of “partners” I had, you would drink too, and you would certainly know why I drank. I didn’t drink because of a problem, I drank at a problem.

Despite all of my being responsible, things still fell apart. My drinking more at those things sure did not help. As I finally tried to start climbing out of my bottom, one day at a time, with Twelve Steps in front of me, I heard something that rang so true. A woman shared that she had been fixing her husband with her drinking. She said she realized her method was like trying to get rid of the rat across the room by drinking the poison herself. It did not work!  WOW! Did that ever sound familiar! I thought that the dutiful dad I was, who worked long hours to pay the bills at home, as well as carry the load at the office, was entitled to a wee nip [or 12] after work, to take the edge off a brutal day. I did not realize, until the nature of my wrongs were gently pointed out by my Sponsor, that while I thought I was being responsible for a lot of positive things, which was true, at the same time I was responsible for inflicting a lot of harm upon those I cared about the most.

As the sun set on that Fifth Step I realized my perception of responsibility was terribly distorted by my obsession with alcohol. What began to germinate in me, though I don’t believe I realized it at the time, was a new attitude about what it meant to be responsible, especially when it came to my alcoholism.

As my days started to become years, I was better able to accept the responsibility that I too had to carry the message to the next drunk who might stumble through the door. But I saw there had to be a “door” to stumble through. Somebody had to pay to have a “door” to stumble through and for that too, I was responsible.

I was certain I was responsible while supporting my clients, my business or my family, so the shock was in realizing I now needed to support our meeting, our program and our hand reaching out to the alcoholic who needed help. That was a switch. That was a change of outlook. That was most certainly a change of attitude.

As I witnessed how it worked, I saw that to get something to transmit, where before there had been only a vacuum, I needed to take action. I had to do something to help the “door” be both there and open. Regular meeting attendance seemed pretty straightforward and putting a contribution into the basket passed made sense too. Commitments which I volunteered for helped me finally feel a part of, at home with, our group.  

My Home Group would not falter unless we let it. Our daily task is simple, yet profound:  Be ready to give to others what we have so freely received. I saw that when newcomers showed up, and we were there to offer support, there was a meaning to life which before was missing.  My Sponsor put the sublime into clearer terms when he observed I was feeling this way because I was finally being responsible, not just acting responsible. I was investing myself in something, our AA Program and its life saving potential, rather than just paying bills and reviewing balance sheets. By belonging in and to our AA Program of Recovery, he showed me also how I was actually becoming, in my small way, responsible for it. This return on the investment was one I never expected and now work each day not to lose. 

30 06, 2024

We Will Not Regret the Past

If We Are Painstaking

 

By: Rick R.

Unless you were born with a total understanding of alcoholism, had the desire to become an alcoholic, and had the capacity to make the decision to do so at birth, I cannot see how anyone can be held responsible for becoming an alcoholic. It would be like saying  you had a choice of whether to itch when you have poison ivy. It is a disease. To my knowledge, there is no definite understanding of what causes alcoholism, for if there were, we could treat it before it became a problem. We are not responsible for becoming alcoholic. We are, however, accountable for our behavior, whether we are drinking or not. Most alcoholics whom I’ve known have had an abundance of things in their past they wish they could erase from the records. Some of those memories we would like to take to the grave with us. These secrets, I believe, are the biggest hurdle to stand in the way of the peace of mind and the feeling of wellbeing we all strive for. Most of these behaviors can be rectified by making amends and restitution using the 12 Steps. By doing so, we change that behavior and no longer do those things/habits we regret. 

One of the promises of the A.A. program is, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” I believe I have reached that level of growth. However, I do have deeds in my past I regret having done, and they can never be erased. I have discussed those things with trusted advisors over the years. And while we do that, to admit and to be accountable for those things is a good start, but what can be done about those deeds that can’t be mended? They can never be erased, but they can be resolved by replacing my old, selfish habits with new, unselfish deeds, spiritual in nature,  allowing me to repay my debt (one pebble at a time) to the many people, less fortunate than myself, who could use a hand up. This can be done in a spiritual or in a material way, whichever the situation requires. By doing this, anonymously and without fanfare, it allows me to balance the scales and to heal my conscience.

I try to be kind and understanding. I do my best to be an asset and never a liability. I try to bring more to the table than I take away. I try, always, to be honest with myself about my motives. In these endeavors, perseverance and time will heal the guilt and shame. I believe I will always have some regrets about having done those things, but I will not be plagued by them. Today I am right with myself and with the world. I am a very grateful alcoholic today, only because I contracted the disease of alcoholism in my youth, suffered desperation, forced myself to swallow my pride, came to A.A., and recognized the value of surrendering to it with the desire to live a life at peace. I try to go through each day without doing anything I REGRET. Today I am happy and content. I can’t imagine ever having found an approach to life that could have come anywhere close to the life I live today as the result of taking these steps and practicing these principles in all my affairs. Today I wouldn’t trade places with anyone on this planet

30 06, 2024

The Principle of Humility

By Anon

While it had certainly become clear I had lost complete control over the grog I, of course, was absolutely in denial about that simple truth. Equally certain was I had no practical conception of how that reality was affecting those around me, particularly those I loved the most. For my part, I espoused the hubris required to assure all with whom I might come into contact that all was right with the world and my place in it. Because I was experiencing a modicum of success in my chosen field of endeavor, and seemed the dutiful father to those parents and teachers who coexisted in the universe our children and their classmates inhabited, life was a dream – to me.  I sadly failed to realize this was a dream, nay a fantasy, I experienced while fully awake and then only when day’s blackout commenced sometime after the children were asleep. Then the serious drinking finally took its toll.

When my ‘streetcar’ stopped at the last house on the block at a 7:00 a.m. AA meeting, I am not sure what I was prepared for, but certainly it was not to stop drinking and absolutely was not to stop drinking for the remainder of my days on this planet. However, like the proverbial prolonged and consistent drip of water which, over time –sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly – splits even the most solid block of granite, prolonged and consistent contact with the AA message finally split me to my core. That I even got into the rooms was proof of my willingness, albeit of the reserved and retiring variety upon arrival, and for months to come thereafter. Now what was my next step?

I hoped just the effort would right things on the home front; that my show of a good faith attempt at such a monumental challenge would smooth the ruffled feathers, calm the anxious fears and, most importantly, stop the nagging to quit “cold turkey.” When my half measures continued to avail me nothing, my miracle happened and the honesty of my condition escaped my lips for the first time at a meeting. It was as if I stepped out of a darkened closet into a sunlit room, abounding with friends, none of whom I knew, just that, indeed, they were friends. I soon found that although I was basking in the Sunlight of the Spirit, I was still a drunk. My disease had gone nowhere. I had not been cured. I had only succeeded in finally admitting to myself and to that new host of friends, not just who I was, but what I was. When I made that first call to Louis, selected from the group’s phone list because he was the only face I could put with a name on that list, Louis’ first question broke the dam of resistance.– He asked simply:  “Do you have a sponsor yet?” As we talked about that question and my negative response, I began to realize I could not do this alone. Equally important, I realized no one expected me to. Guys like Louis actually wanted to help. I also realized that I needed help.

I believe now this was when the seed of humility was planted. The seed took root, akin to any nourishing fruit, and grew into a daily, sustaining diet, a sustenance I needed to achieve for a life-continuing daily reprieve from drink. But as the days had rolled into weeks, then months and even, unbelievably, into years, so too the product of this seed evolved. I dutifully read and believed that without more of this precious quality, I could not live to a useful purpose; and it would be good insurance when confronted with that real emergency sure to be in my future.

At times, these concepts seemed to me to be only words on a page, voices in my brain, the echo of a heartfelt share which sounded so profound in the hearing, it now rang as at a growing distance and hollow. Like those first 100 “came to believe,” I, too, found there was an infusion of this belief into the marrow of my bones. Anything less was only lip service to an idea, not a taking of the Second Step. In the Principle of Humility I have discovered the same to be true. I must infuse it into the marrow of my soul. I hear it so often said “You don’t have to do this alone.” I believe this Principle of Humility tells me I cannot do this alone.  I have come to believe this Power Greater than myself is always there for me. True humility tells me there are those I would meet in this fellowship too, as I trudge the road of happy destiny. For they are the lifeblood of my program and I need them as surely as I need air to live.  Without them I am lost. When my spirit is so focused on those I am with in this fellowship, its wind fills my sails and my course ahead is sound. 

30 06, 2024

Just Seven Words

By John R. W

How could it be that this was so daunting?
The process so far had been as advertised
Yet lingering somewhere still was a notion haunting
That by these Steps I was being tricked, mesmerized.

To a dictionary to know humility I was pointed,
For only arrogance and control had I ever known.
Those traits too finally abandoned me. I was left disjointed
With them, so alone; without, despite me, change was sown. 

It had not seemed like much when first I sought advice,
But I had never asked for it before, much less listened.
Yet there it was, I was asking for help, me, not once, but twice.
In the asking, my humiliation, the shame of my plight, lessened.

Just Seven Words, this the extent of the suggestion before me.
Only Seven Words, still at times a tome’s length seemed shorter.
Just Seven Words upon which to progress to be set free.
Only Seven Words, but more precious than gold to a smuggler.

But my hoard of gold I could keep only by giving it all away.
With this fresh wind now filling the sails of my life, I saw
That in the giving I could actually be useful during my day.
No longer useless, this transition made still fills me with awe.

07/30/2017

To Kim K. for the Brilliant Observation

 

30 06, 2024

PLAY BALL

Baseball in Alcoholics Anonymous

By Christine. R

Our Big Book describes us as “enthusiasts.” Apparently one big enthusiasm we enjoy extends into the game of baseball. Here’s the lineup of baseball references: 

When all our score cards read “zero,” and we saw that one more strike would put us out of the game forever, we had to look for our lost faith1.      

We began to get over the idea that the Higher Power was a sort of Bush-league pinch hitter, to be called upon only in an emergency2.  

Here is a baseball term to toss your way: To balk. Balking is an illegal move. An occurrence in which the pitcher stops suddenly or makes a move after starting to throw a pitch, to deceive a base runner. 

  • At some of these we balked3.  
  • At Step 6, many of us balked4.  
  • Instincts on rampage balk at investigations5.

So when we “balk,” we perform an illegal move. We go the wrong way. We stop balking when we get honest with ourselves and concede to this innermost being, “I’ve got a problem with alcohol.” Once we tell the truth, we can’t be spectators in the grandstands. It’s time to move off the bleachers, come down and play ball. 

Before the call up to the Program, my play book had eroded into a ninth inning with two strikeouts and no pinch hitter.  

No home runs – only forced outs.  

The short-stop was the liquor store.

Bases were loaded and so was I.

No one rooting in the stands.  

A screwball who didn’t know how to be a team player, living life in the backfield.

Ground-rules – another baseball term meaning rules of the game. Or in this case, the game of life and how to play it. A working knowledge of the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions becomes the ground rules with a working game plan for us to live a well-grounded life.

Similar to baseball, we have many unwritten rules in Alcoholics Anonymous – such as find yourself a sponsor or don’t date in the first year. The funny thing about unwritten rules is people abide by them almost as much as the formal ones. Especially alcoholics who don’t like to be told what to do. We don’t do rules, but we do take suggestions! 

Unity in Baseball and A.A. Throughout history, groups wishing to unify themselves find a way through a common purpose or goal. Professional baseball players are unified as a team for the dual purpose of playing baseball and to win. So what, as in baseball, what in A.A. unifies us? What is our common purpose, or goal?  

The solution lies in our 12th Step, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps….” Our solution is spiritual. An awakening, a turning toward a Higher Power because no human power could call us out. Our work in AA. takes us to the home plate.  Our “Welcome Home” signs suggest we are out of the strike zone.

As baseball players continually practice their game, so we continually practice working the Steps to catch those curve balls life lobs our way every now and then.

The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. The tremendous fact for every one of us is we have discovered a common solution6.  A common solution to our common problem unifies us. The problem brings forth the solution. The wound becomes the gift. Like the phoenix rising, we arise to an incredible life.

My latest 12 Step includes working with a sponsee who describes the Higher Power as a “great big catcher’s mitt.”  “God catches me in that mitt on a sea of troubles, and I know He’s got my back. I’m in a place ‘safe and protected.’”  Having played with a lot of baseball mitts, I can’t think of anything so spongy, strong and safe as a catcher’s mitt. Truly an Upper Decker Higher Power. And a homerun with me.

 

  1.  12 x 12 Page 29. ↩︎
  2. 12x 12 Page 75 ↩︎
  3. BB Page 58 ↩︎
  4. 12 x 12 Page 108 ↩︎
  5. 12 x 12 Page 44 ↩︎
  6. There Is A Solution, p.17 ↩︎
31 05, 2024

Step 6 . . . All These Defects

By John W.

The scope of this step, “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character” seemed pretty innocent at the time. I had made the decision, discovered my defects of character through an inventory and then admitted my shortcomings to the entire world. OK, it had been actually just to myself, my Higher Power and my sponsor, but at the time this seemed like the whole world. As it turned out, these admissions at that moment in my life were most certainly made to just about the only person on earth who seemed to care anything at all about me or what I was doing as I took that step.  

Because the words of the step seemed plain and simple, after several hours of talking to my sponsor about a long list of resentments, when we separated, I believed for the first time I was actually doing something positive about my drinking problem. Sober at the time for 6 months, with the divorce on the ever-nearing horizon, the bankruptcies not far behind it, the estrangements of three young children comprising the sky above, it still seemed in that moment, as I took the Book down from the shelf, as though I was progressing. I looked at the previous steps. I tried in earnest to ensure that I had applied them to my life as it had been in sobriety and honestly considered how I could integrate what I was learning into my daily life. These twelve suggestions and the Fifth Step just completed helped me develop a plan. It was a good plan. It was a plan that seemed to work for many. It was a plan I wanted to have in my life. 

In the years that followed with the help and guidance of that same sponsor, I was able to maintain my sobriety. I was faced with challenges, tackling Life On Life’s Terms, because even when you are sober life happens.  But things seemed to be on a relatively even keel. The woman whom I had met on AA campus and I were getting along, overcoming rough spots as we encountered them, experiencing together Life On Life’s Terms. Business reversals had been rude, but even they all eventually resolved. Sitting in the cockpit, in the copilot’s seat of course, looking down from 36,000 feet, life looked pretty good. And that was what I thought.

Ironically despite this progress, I later discovered I had not really understood the full meaning of the phrase “entirely ready.” As time passed, I realized I had actually not been willing to be entirely ready to have all of my defects of character put into His hands. In my alcoholic fashion I had rationalized to myself that since I had completed Step 6 a long time before and held nothing back in that process, I was good to go. While it is fair to say on reflection I had done the best I could do at the time, the brutal truth was that there was still work to be done. I admitted to my sponsor at our first meeting that I was ready to go to any lengths, but did that mean I was “entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character?”

*

Early on in my sobriety I heard the observation that if you get a drunken horse thief sober, you are still left with a horse thief. Thus, to overcome the defect of stealing horses, one has to work on that defect. I was warned such work could take time, sometimes even a long time. So it was for me. My stubbornness and arrogance, though tempered by my sobriety, had by no means been washed away such that I was as white as driven snow. This was my state of consciousness when, in another setting in advance of an important spiritual season, I heard the message being conveyed of the value of the gift of forgiveness. Although I had participated in this yearly event for as long as I could remember, for reasons I cannot explain, this time I heard. This time I listened. This time my arrogance in my conviction that I was not at fault, that she was to blame, did not prevent my ears from hearing. This time my stubbornness that blame clearly laid at the doorstep of another, did not prevent me looking into the mirror where I really saw for the first time the cause of the problem. I was finally truly owning that the wreckage of my past was caused by my alcoholism. It was in that moment of clarity, after over a decade of coddling my “Resentment Numero Uno” that I turned to Him. I had become, finally,  “entirely ready.” This cherished resentment, that my ex-wife had “stolen” my children from their father by divorcing that drunk who was finally sober, this tarp that had kept the sunlight of the spirit from being able to envelop me in its warm and healing glow, had to go. Cast off, and in the sunlight which then revealed it for the poison it had become, I was able to ask that this shortcoming be removed. I could forgive my former spouse for doing that which she had thought was necessary to protect herself and our young children. The separation had been ugly, the divorce far from détente, the youngsters were now all adults, but still I had blamed their mom for it all.

Only a few weeks after I finally took ownership of my shortcomings and found forgiveness for the object of my anger, Life happened when one of my sons called to tell me of the unexpected and tragic death of his mom, my former spouse. I had a long drive to her funeral and during it, in the privacy of my thoughts, I realized  I was going with a clean and open heart. Although I made my amends to her years before, I could now say without reservation  I had forgiven her and the timing of that forgiveness could not have been more beneficial. Certainly, I had squandered time harboring this resentment, but when I became “entirely ready” to work the steps upon it, the principles of the steps worked as advertised – and then some!  I found that I was able to proceed with the healing my children needed following their mother’s death without reservation because I had become willing. I had finally become entirely ready to ask that my defect, my long-protected resentment, my shortcoming, be removed.  

*

We hear often in meetings how, in the lives of others, God works in mysterious ways. This became true for me and played out in real time as I was simply practicing the principles of the program in my affairs. My unexpected experience helped me more vividly to begin to see life in that Fourth Dimension which our founders described so long ago.

< < <     < < <           > > >     > > >

For Mary, 07/16/1960 – 05/24/2022 : RIP

31 05, 2024

HOPE

By Christine R.

HOPE equals Happy Our Program Exists. Are you happy our program exists? After hearing the following, I sure am. 

While at a meeting, a member took the microphone to say, “Let me remind us we have a life-and-death disease.”  She went on, “We need help with the chairs today and you know why? Because the guy who has the break-down commitment was drunk in a car crash and killed two days ago. He let the life AA gave him get in the way of his AA life.”

She continued, “Yesterday another friend of mine was remanded into prison for 4 years starting on Monday. He was in black-out and could not remember what he’d done wrong but the paperwork against him was a mile high.”

As she spoke, memories came of the women I work with in prison who are usually there for involuntary manslaughter. Drunk drivers who killed people. Still they won’t read the Big Book, little realizing if they work the Steps, their biproduct is hope.

This little four-letter word plays a crucial role in our Program. On a larger scale, hope can be the difference between giving up and holding on. Hope keeps us going. Hope helps us believe and work for a better life. Hope is for the future what Faith is for the present.

Hope keeps us hopeful. The more we use it, the easier it gets. Hope orients us to keep our commitment to recovery, especially in our early days. Here is an example: 

Two young fathers sat side-by-side at a meeting. The first to speak was entirely Happy Our Program Exists. Recently back from Las Vegas, so thrilled not to pick up. A milestone to stay sober in Vegas. Spoke of arriving home on time to see his boy play little league and enjoy the company of his wife and family. Brimming with hope was this guy. The second father said, “I was in Vegas, but mine was a totally different experience. Thanks to you and your share I have hope, and now the courage to say what happened to me….” Drunk and overslept, he missed his flight and the opportunity to enjoy his son’s winning track meet; now at odds with his spouse and about to lose his job. Brimming with shame, disappointment and fear was the second man. Two fathers on the same weekend in Vegas. The difference? One worked the Steps generating hope and peace. The other, on his own, nothing but heartache, hopelessness and disaster. 

Meetings provide hope.  When I sloshed into my first meeting, I hoped to find answers to why I could not stop drinking, in the face of car crashes, lost jobs and family. Had we stopped on Step One and the powerlessness over alcohol, I would have continued drinking and die like the guy at the Alano Club. I had already long passed any other choice. With hope came an optimistic state of mind I had not known in years. When my pain met purpose, I began to have hope.

Members provided hope as living proof by their restoration to sanity, homes, and work. From the tenderloin and a bottle of vodka to our home group – with birthday cake and candles, singing to celebrate our sobriety – I saw, and see today, firsthand we are walking, talking miracles. 

“In any meeting, anywhere, A.A.’s share experience, strength, and hope with each other, in order to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.”*  Hope is part of the triumvirate to keep us sane and sober. My hope is readers find fellowship, relief from alcohol, and hope as their silent partner for a better tomorrow. 

Instead of a hopeless dope fiend be a dope less Hope Fiend.  Here’s to HOPE!

* BB Foreword to Fourth Edition, p.xxiv

31 05, 2024

To Let . . .

By Anonymous

At times the story of the Titanic was so real,
Imagining the wells and the ne’er-do-wells alike
Having to confront their reality that this was the deal
Their end was at hand, they had lost this fight.

As with so many he had heard, on the “Wings of Victory”
He had not arrived into “these rooms” on “his day.”
Instead the Road to Perdition was his path, harmful, delusory,
Strewn with wreckage and foreboding, all these his toll to pay.

But the Solution, for there was a solution, was free
For the taking, literally, only to be had one step at a time.
This path his – to become the man he had always wanted to be.
The Decision made, the lode of defects had been ahead to mine.

With a guide’s help, that work got done, the threshold was there.
His to have, if he was willing, entirely, To Let . . . . .
Entirely ready to let . . .  Let Who?  Do what?  When? Where?
Remove traits he had lived with, lived by for years without regret.

He had come this far, made such progress, now he had only
To Let . . . . To become:  Entirely ready to let . . . . .
He remembered the Decision, how he now no longer felt lonely.
The promised freedom had come too, like a matched set.  

So if the Decision could be made, couldn’t he be ready
To be done with his limitations? Entirely ready to let that Power
Greater than he, remove these shortcomings? Entirely ready
To have them taken and in the rain of a new life shower?

No Hobson’s choice here nor need with Solomon to consult.
The Power of the Decision made surged within him . . .
From a source unknown, a resolute “yes,” the silent result.
The logic of the Decision made compelling that choice within him.

31 05, 2024

The Road to Mental Freedom

Understanding Steps Six and Seven

By Rick R.

Since the day I entered the A.A. program, I have had an insatiable appetite for learning all I could about the disease of alcoholism. Having completed very thoroughly the fourth and fifth steps,  and examining my motives for everything I did with steps six and seven, it occurred to me that most of my problems in life involved my interfacing with, “Those Other People.” As I got further into the steps and started to process every one of these interactions, it became apparent that the basic cause of my discontent was low self-esteem. Until I resolved that, there would be very little peace of mind. I had to get right with everyone.

They say understanding is the key to right living, and I read just about anything I could get my hands on about these issues to reinforce the principles we learn in the AA program. Books like:  Emmet Fox’s Sermon on The Mount, , Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled, Ernest Kurtz and Kathleen’s Ketchum’s The Spirituality of Imperfection, Max Ehrmann’s poem “Desiderata”, and the like. This kind of reference material helped me get a better perspective on how to reduce the obstacles standing in the way of my ability to solve these problems.

I should be willing to get right with “every human being I know” as suggested in step eight. (12 & 12) Scott Peck describes the word love as: “Caring for and nurturing another person’s soul.” Now I look at love as a verb and not a noun. You can love someone who doesn’t love you back when you use this definition. As a result, I truly wish the best for every human being I know and offer help and guidance when I can. I become their best advocate. If I want to heal, I must look deeper and try to understand the other person and be strong enough to rein in my ego; then to realize the other person may be reacting to my adversarial position.

Finding ways of removing my own judgmental attitudes opens the door to love and compassion. Today, I can love everyone by simply giving them the respect and acceptance I would want for myself. After doing my best to adopt this plan of action over the years, I can only say nothing  I have ever done, with respect to Those Other People, has been more rewarding than this approach. I have stopped, to the best of my understanding, judging others by their outside behavior and have the strength to look deeper. When I do, I usually find a person not too different from myself, trying to protect himself from his fears. I can’t bring myself to pile on and compound his pain. My heart goes out to him, and I don’t have to deal with regrets later. My ego is neutralized as I come to understand his troubles. The greatest gift I receive as I apply this to all Those Other People, is I seem to allow myself the same latitude without even expecting it because at one time, I was That Other Person. Self-forgiveness and peace of mind seem to be the natural result of my efforts. I can accept everyone just as they are and not mess with God’s work.

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