The Point

A member shares their experience cultivating gratitude.

By Anon.

It was difficult for me to see how that small untruth was hurting anyone, it was just helping me to keep peace around the homestead. The lie was after all only allowing me to enjoy a small repayment for why I was working so hard in the first place. I had seen “Dallas” as a kid growing up, the stars always had a drink in their hands. They would walk into a room and the first thing they did was go to a fancy looking table, get a nice looking crystal glass and put some brandy in it. Then they would talk of all manner of life and problems and solutions, always it seemed with a drink in hand. I figured if it was good enough for the stars on TV, it certainly would do me no harm.

So as a young married man, starting a family, when the question was posed: “Did you stop for a drink on the way home?” I always told just a little white lie – I always responded wholeheartedly “No.” Like Dover’s White Cliffs continuing to be eroded over time, I was losing my Integrity little by little and there was nothing I could do about it. I could not stop the conduct which necessitated the lie, despite my best efforts to try. I had already learned the hard way that the trouble that came with my drinking lessons kept me locked in my hidden past. That’s why these little falsehoods were harmless. I could take a gentleman’s pleasure after a hard day at the office before returning to the home that hard work sustained. It was just another of life’s delicate ecosystems, one activity bolstered another, was sustained by a third, so that a fourth could persist, and so on, and so on.

But the erosion of my soul was occurring, just like those White Cliffs. The first time the Truth intervened, at that couple’s session with the ill-fated marriage counsel, when I volunteered out of the blue that I drank the way I did because I was an alcoholic, that was quite a show stopper. Almost two decades later I still don’t know from where that nugget of Truth emerged.  But the admission was a game changer, no doubt about it. It did not save the marriage and has not yet patched things up with the children, but it unlocked a Truth that had been hidden until that moment by the blanket of my denial for all of my waking life until then. So too it was with the first time I admitted I was a Newcomer to the 7:00 am group I had been attending for months, each morning still bent from the night before. The lie not told, the lie of omission, had been just as damaging to my Integrity, as I was later to learn. After I embraced sobriety, I found that not only had these lies taken their toll, but the marks they had left on me became the signposts on the path I was to follow to become the man I always wanted to be, they were the signposts on my road called “Change.”

I had to be searching and fearless with my inventory, and my Decision had given me the courage to accomplish that. But then I had to “admit” this inventory. First an admission to my Higher Power, Who I could not see any way, so that was no big whoop. Then to myself, but I had penned the inventory, so no surprises there. But the admission to another human being, this was raising the bar quite high indeed. I had to be honest with this guy, my sponsor it turned out, face to face, about everything. As if it was necessary to underscore the value and need for this, I heard the horror stories about how those who did not employ Integrity in this admission, that often a drink, a slip, was their dubious reward and for me, to drink was to die. So here it was, put out all my cards face up, no tricks, nothing up my sleeve, nothing, nothing at all, held back. Otherwise, be prepared to pack it in and let my disease do what it wanted to do, take everything from me until I had nothing more to give, then take my last breath too. As I had lost my Integrity, one white lie at a time, so too I gained it back by the daily halting of that practice. Although it had been daunting and difficult, that first Fifth Step [there have been others over the years] gave me the tool I needed to speak the Truth. As the challenges have come since, that tool of Integrity has been often used and it has served me well.  I learned in its use, that it was the Willingness to try that put my Integrity into the space it needed to do its work, a space the Courage I had found in taking my inventory had made for that very purpose.   

By John W.

Those clowns said “You are as sick as your secrets,”
What did they know, his were “confidences to be kept.”
Of course they were of matters important, and of regrets,
But their memory he addressed only alone, silently as he wept.

So why the need to pull the scabs off of these old wounds?
The solace gained from his private affirmations was enough.
No need to “go public,” to raise these dead from their tombs.
“No” this was too much to ask, this suggestion just too tough.

But the affirmation to go to any lengths was at him gnawing
Eroding the peace in his days, the calm of his dreams.
Like “The Tell-Tale Heart” it beat, always time marking.
Its acme so, ‘twas though his soul was bursting at its seams.

Try as he might, with all the self-will he could summon,
No force to quell this invading presence could he muster.
For his plight was different, unique, his sins surely uncommon
And against the suggestion of their disclosure he did bluster.

His dilemma seemed formidable, he could fathom no resolution.
His delay had been costly, as to the brink of a drink he was driven.
Goaded by a “drowning man’s despair” he had sought a solution,
“Seek only the willingness to try” had been the suggestion given.

Yet for reasons he could later neither explain nor deny,
When this “life ring” was cast, he put arrogance and pride aside,
He grasped this chance as though his last, he became willing to try
And somewhere in him, survival and humility commenced to coincide.

In the light of its telling, the darkness of his past began to wither.
The power of owning it, totally, freed him now by his admission.
He had cast off its shackles, silenced its incessant twitter,
And could see his fear now as naught but baseless apparition.

The calm that beset him as this Step he had finally taken,
He witnessed by the sobriety which ensued over years,
As it cemented his faith in a process now rarely shaken
With a gift he had before not owned, a tool to address his fears.

John R. W.
03/08/2018
To Dad – On Your 96th Birthday
May Jesus Hold You close to His Heart

By Anon.

Like many others before me and since, I had heard the mantra: Don’t Drink, Get a Sponsor, Work the Steps – Your Life Will Change. Maybe like others, I thought of this “change” as being of a tangible nature, things would quiet down at home or in the office (in my case maybe in both places), this financial insecurity thing would be gone and I would be good to go, for life. I mean weren’t my difficulties to be taken away, so as to mark this “way of life” to the newbie just struggling in the door?

With my wife and children back, my job roses, my IRA soaring, I could shout the praises of AA from the rooftops (anonymously of course) for anyone with a problem and an interest, this was my plan. My guy, Owen, then with 26 years behind him, smirked as I explained this and gently responded “More Will Be Revealed.” He wouldn’t tell me what he meant by that quip, just said to integrate it into my 11th Step meditation practice and sooner or later I wouldn’t need to keep asking him, I would know. His unexpected passing in 2011 sealed his silence on providing further enlightenment, but not on the wisdom of his retort now seemingly made so long ago. As suggested, I gave this advice some thought and I listened at the meetings to “hear” him. But while the gift of sobriety did indeed change my life and gave me the beauty of days to experience it I am sure it would not have been mine had I continued to drink, my plan of what my sober life would be like must have been great comic relief for my Higher Power.

As I continued to Live Life on Life’s Terms, I found myself confronted with issues, problems, and just plain-old tough stuff, which I was sure should not have been happening to me, a sober man. These had to be exceptions, they had to be the mistakes in God’s world that are not supposed to be there. Yet as one seemed to exacerbate the other or complicate them both and confound any perception of a solution or way out, my hope was fading. The storm clouds were gathering, life was not looking pretty, in fact, it was getting pretty ugly. I thought of Owen’s advice: More Will Be Revealed. So I asked what step applied, was searching and fearless about the moral inventory I took about today’s problems and made my list. I admitted it readily to myself and my Higher Power, but how to another? I should not have been surprised, but I was, about how the answer to my silent, private question manifested itself.

Literally the very next day, an Oldtimer I had not seen in weeks showed up at my new Home Group for his first time there. After hearing my self-pity clothed in justifiable anger and resentment before the meeting when he made the mistake of inquiring “How are you,” he volunteered after the meeting that I really should consider doing a 4th Step on this and discussing that with my Sponsor. I proudly, and a bit smugly, pulled my notes from my wallet and said I was way ahead of him, I had done so already. Smiling, he asked when I was to do my Fifth Step. My fumbling response confirmed I had not decided on that yet. So when he accepted my request to be that “another human being” I felt vindicated. But, when deciding “when,” he rebuffed the notion of “maybe sometime during one of the upcoming weekends” and offered “now” before we each headed off to our respective jobs-oh my! Gone was my veneer of rhetoric, the rubber was meeting the road – right now, in this moment. The admissions that followed were heartfelt and honest, albeit at times unexpected. As we parted company, I thanked my Listener for his time, his ear, and his making exact the nature of my part in the drama, his were observations I of course had wanted to overlook completely or justify righteously.

In the parking lot at work, as suggested, I reviewed what had just happened -It was then that More Was To Be Revealed. For although I had done a 4th Step many years before, this time it was different. This time, as I reviewed what had preceded these recent admissions and the disclosure and discussion of them, I began to feel something different. Whether it was the nearness of my Creator or not, I would be unable to verify with scientific precision, but it was perceptible, it was real, it was there! Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, this day mine it seemed was of the “slow” variety, but with the work had come the materialization, more was being revealed. Life’s difficulties may have remained, but I knew on this day I was no longer alone when dealing with them. From the power of this way of life, I had instead this victory over them.

By Dede H.

Cloistered in my bed where I write
Love visits me everyday on my tray
This food emanates brilliant radiance
I’ve lived a colorful life filled with rage
Over involved valor is now discarded

Radical acceptance is taking its place
My Higher Powers do not need me
Every day I race to find sustenance
They show me where the good food is
Nutrition floats in your eyes with Grace

Bits and pieces of surrender teach me
Enter the galley of this anonymous ship
Sobriety cooks—thank God you’re here
Group of Drunks I revere your seats
It’s a liquid friendship we worship to eat

A member shares their experience moving from “restless, irritable, and discontent” to joy and victory. 

By: John W.

This particular winter had seemed long in the making
Even longer in leaving. . .like an end that never came
The awaited package which never arrived
A Nordic darkness bereft of light or hope. . .only isolation

A day’s sun seemed measured in minutes, not hours
The frigid cold of being alone was itself numbing
Sapping even the latent desire to live
Eviscerating the last hope of a new life, of change

But change would happen, there was no stopping it now
Except a slip of course, a relapse into “before”
It was clear one of those always lurked just out-of-sight
But not as far out-of-mind, so change was the only treatment

Another slip was certainly possible, another recovery against Big Odds
The Decision had been made, the only requirement clearly met
So being fear-less was possible. . .Without Fear, Fearless-so very doable
No false evidence appearing real, the Decision would overrule it!

The suggestion was to take stock, an inventory, a thorough one though.
No longer could I take the inventory of another and blame me on them
I had to take my inventory, all about me, a personal inventory
With a clear head I could be thorough and fearlessly cross the portal to change

The clarity induced by “without” helped me to be searching
I could more easily see the before, through the clear eyes of today
To be no longer afraid of what I would see
Promised I could not regret it or shut the door upon it

The task thus presented clear, likewise the goal,
For tales of those who avoided the task or missed the goal were gruesome
The lore was steeped in hearsay and anonymity, but ever present:
Be thorough and fearless, do the best you can with what you have or die

No “ifs”, “ands” or “buts” about this fork in the road, just the black and white
Starkness of choice, facing newcomers and old-timers alike, who
With the resolve of those in foxholes as the whistle to attack sounds
Engage daily this life and death struggle, where no quarter is given or expected

“You do not have to do this alone” this Army’s motto
My captain, my sponsor, issued the suggestions
These the same he had received as he this task had faced
My battle was his too, that is why he made so much sense to me.

One by one the resentments were sighted and mapped
My part in their making brought them closer, now well within range.
As each was then catalogued, recorded, a sense of progress becalmed me
“You need not be perfect “ I was told, just be the best you can now!

Only now I was not set up for failure, as had always been true before,
This was different, this change was a new outlook, a new attitude
How easy before it had been to blame them or it
Now the mirror of this process always kept me in focus too

The new day was dawning, I could feel it, as no feeling I had ever had,
I knew too I could admit to it, for I was no longer alone.
In the doing I was changing, in the admission
I had hope the change would really come – today.

By: Anon.

The cerebral Mr. Spock tells Captain James Kirk in a time clothed in the fantasy of the future, that “Change is the one essential principle of the Universe.” Of course this alien also did not consume alcohol. To one blessed with neither that insight nor that physical constraint, change came hard. This was so even when the circumstances of change had been thrust upon me by a doctor’s medical warning and a Divorce Court’s “Kick Out Order.” Undaunted, I would lie in my tub of blissful denial that the test was a “false positive” that the doc has simply mis-read it and wallow in the legalities that would prevent me from being thrown out of a residence which I alone owned, just check the deed.

When the tsunami of these changes broke upon me and I finally stopped drinking and started trudging the road, I began to accept all of them and the new reality that had come with them – almost.  Of course there had been the admission followed swiftly with a coming to believe. I had become convinced of my insanity and knew I alone had no defense, mental or otherwise, against it. Thus The Decision had made much sense. Only then did my Sponsor begin to discuss the real change that I was now to confront. My old way wasn’t working and hadn’t been working for a long, long time. So it seemed like my sponsor had the rather easy task of convincing me of the obvious, one pretty simple proposition: Be prepared to change or it is likely you will drink again and, if you drink, you will die.  Simple, straightforward – his laughter, as I seemed to actually be pondering this proposition, was the dose of reality I needed to accept it too. With Decision made and inventory done, the admission thrice had then opened the door to a new way of thinking, I hoped for a new way of living.  But as to this, I was admonished that only time would tell. As the days went by, I then came to find out that time passed for A.A.ers in a very wonderful way, it passed “One Day At A Time.”

As the days passed and life happened, most of those things about which I had then been so worried, never even happened. Those that did, in some instances struck with harsh consequences and even cruel efficiency, but the Steps I had taken had prepared me. I dealt with them as best I could, with all the honesty and integrity I could muster, for I had not then been alone. I found to my surprise and comfort, that with each disaster, someone in my groups, at my meetings, had been there before, had survived that calamity, had weathered that storm. They told me they had done so – sober, and thus I could too, if I didn’t drink and I went to the meetings.

But those who are not busy living are often busy dying, so it was I discovered that life being lived, sober, was still living on life’s terms, not on mine. I found that even in sobriety, calamities can happen, the floor upon which you are so comfortably standing one minute can suddenly vanish and leave only the abyss. Where then does one turn? What rope does one grasp to shinny up to safety? As my newest abyss loomed, my sponsor’s words began to ring in my ears “With any problem I must confront, I first ask myself-Which step applies?” How do I bring the steps to bear to address this new problem or, as seems to be so with me now, these new disasters?

Step 4 was the answer. For while I was so prepared to exhaustively take the inventory of those with whom my relationships were now souring, I had to then ask myself, what was my part in all of this? The difficulty of asking myself these questions quickly became dwarfed by the answers honesty compelled me to give to them. Then the kicker: I had to forgive these ill doers also. It was then an echo of this Step once taken so many years before now began to reverberate. Forgiveness, better to give it than to seek it. But I had not done so then and was not ready to do so now over a decade later, still the anger had patiently lingered. So where was this “change” about which I had been so confident, about which I wanted to be so proud? Taking my inventory today about new problems had revealed this omission of my prior effort, and had displayed how that effort had not been completely thorough, despite my best intentions. “Do not be Discouraged” a good friend extolled. So I was not. I asked to be shown the next right thing and be given the courage to do it. More will surely be revealed if I just don’t drink and go to the meetings.

By: Dede H.

Undertaking a courageous inventory
Of myself and my previous actions,
An attraction foolhardy for glory,
What could possibly be the reason?
Certainly it’s not in the name of fame!
I’ve been very angry with the patriarchy
Blamed my stupid husband for everything 
I’ve really resented rich corporate America 
Thought my parents should’ve let me sing
Was an underserved growing little thing 
So I had to fight for my right to party
Took a position so my voice was heard
Shouted how things were supposed to be!
Was misinformed my opinion mattered 
Nobody gave a damn but me…
Folks are entitled to their own reality