The Point

By Christine R

Every now and then we need a blessing that’s NOT in disguise. We want that blessing front and center – not hidden in the background waiting to surprise us down the road. Even so, here’s a story of an unexpected blessing in disguise that really did pop up down the road.

There are times when our fisted feelings can hold onto a resentment like a child with a favorite rock.  No matter how long, often, or hard we try, we just can’t open that fist.  An experience turns into a grudge, turns into a resentment, turns into a desire to retaliate.  All these rolled into one are what I’ve been dealing with over the past few months.  Use the verbiage “dealing with,” and already there’s trouble. Someone’s trying to control.  That someone was me.

The rock I glommed onto was toward a former friend/sponsee.  Continual no show and disappointment became firm bedrock for the stream of unfulfilled words, “Call ya sometime,” and “See ya soon.” Rolling around in my head into a well-worn groove comes that merry-go-‘round of anger, resentment, retaliation.  Prayed all our AA prayers.  Used the Golden Key.  Screamed my ass off. Walked a labyrinth.  Lord Above!  I called His Holy Name.

Then came The Truth Reminder, Desi-Lu.  The answer to those prayers drove right up to the Cabin when relief was needed most. 

Driving home after prayer time in the wilds of the Marin Headlands, the Inner Voice said, “Stop by the Cabin.  Make sure everything is okay.”  While standing in the doorway, up comes a large, white, blacked-out windowed SUV.  The passenger was the most beautiful Mexican Woman I have ever seen. Exquisite. Radiant as the Sun and Moon together, she smilingly inquired if a bathroom was nearby. Seeing she was not an axe murderer and really needed help, I invited her into the Cabin.

The moment she stepped from the car, the lady pointed to my jade green heart pendant and said, “You are wearing my heart.  You have my heart pendant.  You have my heart.”  Pointing to her own heart, sure enough dangled the mirror image of the one I was wearing.  My 80-year-old pendant was my mother’s prized possession. Now the same green heart is before me round the neck of this perfect stranger, a woman in need.

Instant heart connection.

Upon entering the Cabin, she introduced herself as Desi-lu from Stockton.  Then she said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but Spirit tells me to tell you to drop the rock.  Something is blocking you.  There is a big blessing coming your way and you don’t want to miss it.  If your fists are closed around this rock, they won’t be open to receive the blessing.”

“Let go of whatever it is you are holding onto.  Drop the rock.”

Oh My God. This truth-talking angel dropped in from out of the blue and far way, not associated with Alcoholics Anonymous, to tell me exactly what I needed to hear.  How could I tell?

Because I burst into tears. Desi-lu took me in her arms as I unleashed a waterfall of tears.  Tears from awakening to what I thought was anger and resentment to discover a broken heart. A hurt heart.  Resentment was covering grief. Relief and release came as she gently repeated, “Let it go.  Let it go.”  In this clasp, my hands were around her waist.  I could feel the long black hair like a cape of running silk.  A goddess was holding me, sobbing my eyes out.

As we exited, I recalled the meeting’s bounty of extra doughnuts.  “Are you hungry?  Would you like something to eat?” She allowed as all they had were snacks for the lengthy journey home.  The Back-To-Basics Meeting had all the basics, including sweet bread to see a body through.

We exchanged numbers.  I hope to see her again soon.  All I have to do is go to her Desilu Facebook page – to get a reminder of what was so desperately needed and so freely given. A broken heart was healed. The Love from the Cabin spilled out into the courtyard and on into eternity.

Thank you, Desi-lu.

Where is All This Warmth Coming From?

By Richard R

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous bankrupt in every department. When I started to take the steps, my first big challenge was to find a power greater than myself that could solve my problems. What an order for a guy who they describe in Step Two in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions as the one who “had tried religion and found it wanting.” I could see the examples of people around me who seemed to have figured it out. I became a nuisance trying to corner them to get them to explain to me how they did it, and they had the same trouble explaining it as I did. One day I confronted my friend, Jim, and asked him to let me in on the secret. Frustrated, He asked, “Do you want to drink right now”?

My answer was “NO.” He then asked me, “Did you want to drink a year ago?” And my answer was “YES. I could not go a day without it.” Next, he asked me “What made the difference?” My answer was “I was influenced by the A.A. program” His next question was, “Do you have any Problem calling that God?” WOW! What a concept. I have never wanted a drink since I entered the program and the only answer I could produce was the influence of A.A. in my life. For a guy who could not conceive of a day without alcohol, to a guy who never wanted a drink again, was all I needed to know about God. I wish I could tell you who or what God is, but I cannot. I can, however, tell you what God does for me, but I will get to that later.

Appendix II in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Spiritual Experience, indicates there are many examples of spiritual experiences. They come in different forms. They can be of the Burning Bush variety or a Psychic Change enough to bring about recovery from alcoholism. Or, as I like to believe, my spiritual experience came in the form of a profound “Change of Perception.” When it occurred to me that all my thinking was flawed and that I was finally in an environment where I could, with the help of the group, start to follow simple unselfish guidelines that would restore my self-esteem and put me at peace with myself and others, I started this wonderful journey and I never had it so good. These universal truths are common in the meaningful philosophies of life. I must seek them out if I want to heal.

I pray to God every day, even though I do not know who or what God is. My mind is not evolved enough to understand God and I am not sure that God hears my prayers. But  I HEAR MY PRAYERS and that, I believe, puts me in the best possible attitude I can have about the issue I pray for. My prayers are always the same. I pray for knowledge of His will for me and strength to carry it out. That is, God please show me what to do and please give me the strength to do it. I do not do well on my own. I often knew what to do but was not always strong enough to do what was right. Today I am stronger. Who or what is God? I am not sure anyone can define God. As a friend of mine, Will, explained, “You do not have to understand thermodynamics to enjoy the warmth of the sun. However, I do know what God does. When I ask for guidance, I become a better receiver. I hear the answers that used to pass right over my head when I thought I had all the answers.

Today, I thank God for an open mind.

By Eric S | Read by Stephen R

A member shares their story about the origin of a meeting.

By Dede H.

I am your animal, God

You’ve created me to do what?

On a precipice of sod I sit

Wondering should I jump or squat?

A decision is just a choice You say

You’ve given me free will, okay

Though that’s often debatable

I needn’t see darkness in the light of day

I’m playing with these lines it’s true

I’m a bit of a promiscuous muse

Please, tell me what are poets to do?

Dance? We have nothing to lose?

What about this? What about that?

I’m caring for my mother and husband

Do I advise my adult children?

Should I be a Republican or a Democrat?

Silly, be quiet. Be still. Do as I do.

Here is your short answer for now.

Turn off your phone. Close your eyes. too.

Know in your heart I’ll show you how

By Delilah V

Every day for the past month and a bit I’ve been saying, writing, reading and repeating the 7th step prayer that begins with “My Creator”. I haven’t been perfect, some days I forgot, or actively rejected it, when this disease got the better of me. My sponsor had me do this and text her each day to say how my “character defaults” showed up that day and how I handled them. Did I succumb to “stinking thinking”? Did I reach out to a fellow when I was feeling antisocial? Did I isolate myself when I know that the antidote to this disease is connection?

Humility. That’s what this step is about.

“Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings” says Step Seven. Each text has been hard to write because I’m facing myself. When I say the 7th step prayer I’m humbly asking to not let my disease isolate me from the world. I want to be willing, which is why I try every day. I don’t want to give up because that would mean giving up on myself. My sponsor told me that she heard someone say, “character defaults” in place of “defects” and the reasoning was that it’s the behavior that often comes first. I like that. They are my knee-jerk reactions to life. 

What are my defaults? I asked myself, this second time around doing my list. I looked over my first list, which I made in 2018 – the year I got sober – and while I had made changes, I could see the same thing lingering around the page, around my heart: fear. Fear is what puts me in “reaction” mode instead of “response” mode. 

Each morning I ask my higher power to remove my fear. Remove it so that I can walk through the world with intention. When something is removed, there’s space for a new thing, and I pray I don’t forget that.

By John W

It is so hard to understand

Why some things so good today

Can be so bad tomorrow 

How feast becomes famine as an eye blinks.

To such peril, relationships have no immunity.

In truth, they are the ultimate human roller coaster

Even those which Life whispers must be exempt: Parent or Child,

Brother or Sister, Husband or Wife can suffer the most.

The brutalities of life, matched only by its vagaries

For we can so hurt those we love

Returning unbounded trust with betrayal,

Inflicting pain in response to care and compassion.

The mind screams for relief from these shortcomings

Rather than seek their succor as the ego cajoles.

Their nature has been made exact to

The willingness to let go achieved

But how to say “Farewell” to such old, good “friends”?

Going to any lengths had been long promised

Thus the logic to ask some Power greater than I,

To entreat this High Power for relief, became compelling.

If willingness was the key to open the door

To the Road of Happy Destiny the fortunate would trudge,

Then Humility was the hand to turn the key and with key in hand, 

The door would always open, to even the slightest touch.

Only with humility could the strength be summoned

To bid adieu to the fear that dogged every step.

To wave goodbye to a character whose time had passed

To overcome adversities that trouble all humans.

Of this precious commodity there could never be too much

For a shortcoming of character cannot be forever removed

Instead, like A Pebble In One’s Shoe, it is a companion

In life’s steps, a gnawing reminder of a not too distant past

A daily reprieve, the pay back for a proper communion,

This reward, fit for a king and given freely,

The demand in return, a mere suggestion:

Humbly ask for help, be willing to accept it when given.

No sane person would call this price too high and tag it an exorbitant fee.

For sanity had by now returned, had allowed the Decision to be made.

This humble step, one more on the path to a useful, not useless, life.

This humble step, the next on the journey to change and Awakening.

I Got it Right the Second Time

By Rick R.

Let me preface this article by saying that I am not being critical of anybody for any reason concerning where a person is along the path of sobriety. My only motive for writing is to give some perspective concerning the possibilities which lie ahead based on the thoroughness we applied to the understanding of the steps as we put some distance between us and that last drink. 

I am one of the fortunate ones who showed up at the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) on October 15 th, 1969, at the age of 28, and have never wanted a drink since that day. I was the youngest person in the room for my first couple of years as the drug using population of the 60s generation had not started showing up until the mid-70s.  They seemed to bottom out at a much earlier in life than the common variety alcoholic, who seldom came to us until they were in their mid-40s. “midlife crisis” 

In my first two years, I was like everyone else when it came to the subject of thoroughness.  In the beginning, I was selective about what I would do with the program, and about the things I would dismiss as unnecessary since I had absolutely no desire to drink. I was slow and deliberate when it came to taking the steps. 

It was almost two years before I attempted to do the Fourth Step Inventory, being in the Navy at the time. I was shipped out to an oil tanker in the Tonkin Gulf Yacht Club where I spent four months in and out of port hauling fuel to the fleet. I had many nights at sea thinking and longing to be back with my home group and contemplating what I had planned to do when I got home. 

When I did return home, I reopened my Fourth Step Inventory with a new attitude about the steps.  I realized that my original attempt was a very shallow scam and I burned it. I started over and got it right the second time around. That, I think, was the turning point in my attitude about thoroughness. I addressed those so-called tormenting ghosts of yesterday, shared them with another trusted member of the program and it just lifted the weight off my shoulders. I believe that made the rest of the program much easier. I have attended weekly step study meetings ever since. It helps me measure my growth as I cycle through the Steps and Traditions several times a year. There are terms on page 85 in the Big Book and, coincidentally, on page 85 in the 12 & 12 that suggest this is no time to rest on our laurels. I take that very seriously because of the unexpected results I experience concerning the quality of life I live today. 

Steps 10, 11, and 12 are referred to as the maintenance steps. With many years of sobriety, I could rest on my laurels and vegetate, but I would have no purpose in life.  If I neglected responsibilities, my life worth would suffer. Being judgmental about the behavior of others, I would be playing God and we all know that isn’t right unless I am perfect myself. Scott Peck defines love as caring for and nurturing another person. I can love everyone even if they can’t return the gesture. It just means wishing the best for them. (No Exceptions). These are just a few ideas.  There are many ways to continue to have a purpose.  If you don’t, you may want to revisit Steps Four through Nine.  Get a better perspective on how to become a more useful member of society and be fulfilled.  Or, you may be satisfied just not drinking one day at a time. That’s your choice. I heard a sportscaster describing the different head coaches of professional football teams.  He said some are playing Checkers and a few are playing Chess. Life is too good to waste.

By John W

By the time of this challenge
Things seemed to have turned,
Mostly for the better, but still a mélange
Of times for which I had always yearned.

To avoid “laurel resting,” a forewarned snare
Meant me making the effort on my part to change me.
To focus upon my shortcomings, not upon others stare,
So that of My Shortcomings (Not Yours) I could be free.

Hardest of those to bid adieu were the ones that fit like a favorite coat
Snug and tightly held, but useless because so tattered and torn.
Still to them, as if in a keep surrounded by an empty moat,
I clung to those defects in fear of my look were they shorn.

The Help I sought would solve my plight.
Always He waited, asking only I cease my fight.