By Anon.
I had completely bought into the deal that I was powerless over alcohol and that the unmanageability of my life was a direct result of that circumstance. Once admitted, without any action on my part except going to meetings, daily, sometimes more than once, I had managed to stop drinking. That was not a pretty time. With a few sober days strung together, I was able to find a sponsor and with my sponsor’s aid, had worked the steps and managed to stay stopped. I always knew I had not stayed stopped or stopped in the first place, on my own. I always knew He had helped me. I did not know how but I had a pretty good guess as to why [my Catholic upbringing about a loving, forgiving and merciful God had helped me a lot there, others with the same background not so much I have heard]. Once sober, time began to pass.
Time I have found has a wonderful way of passing in the AA Program – It passes: One Day At A Time. But I had been warned my disease was not only cunning, baffling and powerful, it was also patient. Thus, after days had passed, becoming years, I was faced with a series of events, crises, which seemed to pile up, one upon another and in rapid succession. It was like one time as a young teen, while out trying to body surf, when I was caught in a big set of waves after a wipe out. Each time my head came above water, wham, there was another wave crashing down upon me. The waves did not seem to want to stop and I did not know if I could keep afloat – I thought in that brief moment I was about to drown. I did not of course, but the hopelessness of the circumstances seemed almost too much – almost.
That experience in the surf never left me. As the new circumstances a lifetime later befell me, I almost felt un-equipped to confront them – almost. Unlike that day in the surf, or those days earlier getting sober, this time I had help, this time I had a Higher Power in my life. At no time like before, I was now able to recall the affirmative reply I had given to my sponsor when asked the question: Are you willing to go to any length? Now the rubber was really meeting the road, I was being asked if I had meant what I had said those many years before when I wanted so much to just stay stopped. As suggested, I had sought to improve that conscious contact. But what would that mean, now when events were upon me and I needed it the most. Lo and behold, as I was told would be the case, my Higher Power was there for me. I had read “There is One Who has all power” and was desirous of the urging “May You find Him now” but that had been to get sober.
Now I was confronted with how that reality would play out in my life beyond sobriety. “May You find Him now” spoke to me in terms anew, as to feelings abounding, as to solutions that seemed, at least, unconventional. May You find Him now – if I did, what would He do for me? That obviously was the wrong point of view. May You find Him now – if I did, what would I do to enhance that discovery, that relationship? This seemed to be the question. As the effort to confront this question in another unconventional manner, through meditation, presented itself, I sensed more doors starting to open.
“Hope” in a strange way had taken on a new light. Surely I had “hoped” that the crises I faced would each, in their own time subside and hopefully work out in my favor. Now after a time, it seemed that “Hope” had become a goal I sought to achieve with my Higher Power. That, regardless of the outcome, I would indulge that relationship with a greater fervor, with a more conscious sense of gratitude and the “Hope” that I would succeed in demonstrating that fervor and gratitude, daily, one day at a time became the goal. To those who are painstaking comes the promise of a whole new attitude and outlook upon life. I thought that meant I would be happy with a used car or satisfied even if I had not gotten that well-deserved raise. I had not expected that new attitude would be the enhancement of my relationship with a Higher Power with Whom I thought I already had a pretty good thing going. Yet I found that the limits to that rapport were only in my head, only in my thinking. So that if I were only to further seek, I would surely find. I had but to push upon that door opened so long ago, to the certainty – May You Find Him Now, and I did again, to a still even newer happiness.
