The Point

By John. W.

‘Twas to be the jewel so long missing
From the crown belonging upon my head
The gold star of my progress commemorating
The passing to another of the Step lore I had wed.

Armed with this attitude, my first attempts failed.
So eager to preach, to promote, I forgot humility.
Attraction got lost, no surprise my targets had bailed.
My inventory when honestly taken exposed the roots of my futility.

My failures still confirmed, the work brought me a release,
A shield I could don, forged from the fire of intensity
Stoked by my work with others who suffered and sought peace.
To them I could be useful, in humility I had the propensity.

With renewed spirit and as The Promises began to be fulfilled,
I reveled in the joy of the accomplishments and success.
That “More Will Be Revealed” had not yet in me been instilled.
Thus, when the other’s slip occurred, on it I did want to obsess.

“You’ve Got Some Nerve” was a feeling that seemed
So justified in the having and so selfish upon reflection.
A great sponsor I was, when joy and smiles to me beamed,
Yet when “my guy” slipped, all I beamed was consternation.

While I professed it to be more at my shortcomings than his,
I managed to sow a resentment that had he but listened to me
This relapse would never have happened, nothing would be amiss.
Of course this was crazy and through my insanity’s fog I began to see.

My sadness was real, my friend had returned to hell
I was not sure if he could escape his choice and recover
Or if our powerful disease would cause him to never get well.
To live or die the stark choice, soberly I knew there was no other.

As days passed while his drama unfolded in rehabs remote,
My meditative ways left me to ponder my side of this street.
So mesmerized had I been by pride and the urge to emote,
I had forgotten the steps I had trudged, the soul for which my heart beat.

For me another bottom it wasn’t, instead an awakening it became.
I couldn’t “fix” my guy any more than I had “fixed” myself.
I could carry the message, but his disease was his demon to tame.
A hard lesson learned, but with it too came untold wealth.

By Anon.

How often I had heard the words: “I stopped going to meetings . . . “ woven somewhere within the fabric of an explanation for a “slip,” for a decision to have a drink after some period of sobriety. Whether one drink, many, or years that followed,the reality of which the observation bespoke did not seem to matter. Nor did the “time” the speaker possessed before succumbing to the urge, impulse, desire, fantasy, or just plain lie which preceded the drink, seem to matter. From those who uttered these words, I heard none remark of the wonderful time they had while “out.” To a person, when the time was described, invariably the description invoked regret, remorse, frustration, horrible loss and a progression of an illness that was relentless in its effort to devour and destroy its host. No wonder many believe the most important person in the room is the newcomer, both because they are escaping this horror while reminding all who pay attention to it, of how close it lingers to each recovering alcoholic.

During a meditation/discussion meeting I recently attended, the topic posed was one’s most favored, most memorable meeting. In my mind I immediately jumped of course to my local, 7:00 a.m. Log Cabin meeting, 7-days-a-week, 365-days-a-year, where I got sober as the clear choice. Upon the reflection promoted by the meditation aspect of the setting, I realized that while this was a “favored” meeting on so mainly levels, it was quickly challenged by the 7:00 a.m. at the Masonic Hall, the 7:00 a.m. at the Alano Club, the 7:00 a.m. in Fairfax and of course the 7:00 a.m. Urgent Care meeting. The obvious attraction had initially eluded me, the reflection allowed me to see – these were all 7:00 a.m.-ers.  

I then recalled whenever I traveled, whether to New Jersey or Los Angeles, or anywhere in between, I always looked for a local meeting which started at or before 7:00 a.m. I seemed to have found over the years of practicing the principles of staying sober which my sponsor had drilled into me [Thank You Higher Power for putting this generous and loving soul into my life], that those folks at the 7:00 a.m. meetings, no matter the city in which they convened, had what I wanted in AA. That is not to say the same experience does not occur at other meetings, of course it does. It is to say I found I experienced a whole new attitude and outlook upon the day in front of me when I started it off with a meeting. It also was what my sponsor did, what his sponsor did, and it [by today’s count] worked for several decades for each of them so who was I to knock success where before had been only abject failure. So the amorphous “7:00 a.m. Meeting” had to be my favorite. However the meditation period had not yet ended, and this alcoholic “monkey mind” continued to spin despite my efforts to contain it. What was I missing?

“Favored or memorable” was the topic. I then recalled that beautiful Friday afternoon in June, high blue skies, contrasted slightly with white clouds, a perfect afternoon by which to start the weekend.  Although my drinking caused quite a rift in the 14-year marriage, that was weeks ago and I was sober now for six weeks. I was sure this ‘marriage hiccup’ would be smoothed over any day now, the lawyers were working on it. I arrived home earlier than my previous normal, funny how not stopping on the way home for a quick drink [read four], started to get me home at a reasonable hour.  My three children, none of them teenagers yet, were having a great time with the neighbor kids, all was well as I exited my car. The young man who spoke my name, inquiring as to my identity caught me off guard. Innocently, I  uttered “Yes that’s me” without thought. The kick-out order and subpoena he then handed me did not foretell I would never spend another night in the house I loved, with a family I adored. In the span of 60 seconds I literally discovered I had nowhere to go!

Sober for only 6 weeks, still my sponsor had done good work.  My first thought was not to which bar I could head, but to what meeting I could go.. The 6:00 p.m. at The Loft was only minutes away and had just started when I arrived. Shortly before it ended, I shared my experience. Too numb still to think, I received in return the experience of several who had been through what I was just starting. They added their hope for me that I too could survive as they had. They shared their strength with me, when I had lost all of mine. I did not drink that night, nor have I had a drink since. But I know most certainly it was because of that meeting and the fellowship in it which was so freely given to me, those circumstances did not take me out that night. Wearing the same wrinkled suit and tie from the day before, I was at my Cabin at 7:00 a.m. the next day. Neither bright eyed nor bushy tailed, but sober and not hungover. This prescription I have found stood me well when I needed it the most. I have since heard going to meetings described as “The Easier, Softer Way.” I think I know from whence comes that saying – been there, doing that, one day at a time.

By Dede. H.

It’s a small way to say thank you
It’s a tiny way to help others 
It’s often not thanked or noticed
It’s something I too can do 
Even when I don’t feel like it 
Act myself into a better way 
Of thinking, of being, of not sinking
So low I don’t know what to say
I need to be more active do less
Thinking and drinking and thinking
It was a bad way of living 
Sometimes it felt like death 
I was broadsided by life
Completely out of breath
Now you’ve quietly helped me 
I can help you too 

Bringing Joy to the Less Fortunate

By Rick. R.

How appropriate it seems that there are twelve months in a year and we have twelve steps in the program. November is often referred to as the Gratitude month, due to the celebration of Thanksgiving. The joy of good living is the theme of Step Twelve, and it blends right in with the Christmas holiday season in December, ending with the New Year’s Eve celebration. This time of year brings joy to many of us but it also brings distress to some of the less fortunate ones who have yet to be blessed with the gift of sobriety and peace of mind, in and outside of A.A.

During my drinking days I used to be extremely uncomfortable about the holidays. I never knew how to act around normal people unless I was half smashed. When invited by one of my siblings to Thanksgiving dinner, I felt like a charity case and would rather just hang out at the bar where I felt safe. I never got into the spirit of reaching out to others. My family always celebrated the different holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I would always (due to my discomfort) put a damper on it by complaining about the tacky gifts  people bought for each other at Christmas and the mad rush to go shopping and the commercializing facade it had become. Any excuse was better than facing me and the miserable wretch I had become. 

 After being sober for several years it occurred to me I still had some of those same attitudes, and I was still holding on to them to some degree largely due to the inconvenience of it all. I explained this problem to a dear friend once, and he asked,” Does the rest of the family enjoy the holidays?” I said, “Yes.” He then said, “Why don’t you just take a back seat and just watch the joy in their eyes as they experience these things.”  I did exactly what he suggested and when I started to observe my wife and two adolescent girls and the childlike innocence and happiness it brought to them, it gave me a whole new appreciation for this time of year. It brought tears of Joy to my eyes. I no longer wanted to be the grouch, putting a damper on the oy that they were having. I have been following this line of thinking ever since and it  changed my whole perspective concerning these things.

This change of attitude has inspired me to apply the unselfish lessons I have come to understand and now I spend the holiday season filled with Joy. If it works like that for the holidays, then why can’t I bring it with me for the rest of the year? This has been my mission ever since my friend suggested it and I am always looking for the opportunity to brighten the lives of people less fortunate than myself. I try to do these things anonymously and without fanfare. I also try to consider the discomfort I used to feel when I was the one on the receiving end of a charitable gesture. I am careful to do these things in a way that preserves the dignity of that other person. I do not have to wait for the holidays to do these things. Every day is a holiday in and outside of my home, and you can believe me when I say: I reap more than my share of the joy. I hope this brings a new perspective to those who, like me, have trouble enjoying this time of year and I hope you all have a joyful Holiday Season and many more.      

By Anon.

I had completely bought into the deal that I was powerless over alcohol and that the unmanageability of my life was a direct result of that circumstance. Once admitted, without any action on my part except going to meetings, daily, sometimes more than once, I had managed to stop drinking. That was not a pretty time. With a few sober days strung together, I was able to find a sponsor and with my sponsor’s aid, had worked the steps and managed to stay stopped. I always knew I had not stayed stopped or stopped in the first place, on my own. I always knew He had helped me. I did not know how but I had a pretty good guess as to why [my Catholic upbringing about a loving, forgiving and merciful God had helped me a lot there, others with the same background not so much I have heard]. Once sober, time began to pass.

Time I have found has a wonderful way of passing in the AA Program – It passes: One Day At A Time. But I had been warned my disease was not only cunning, baffling and powerful, it was also patient. Thus, after days had passed, becoming years, I was faced with a series of events, crises, which seemed to pile up, one upon another and in rapid succession. It was like one time as a young teen, while out trying to body surf, when I was caught in a big set of waves after a wipe out. Each time my head came above water, wham, there was another wave crashing down upon me. The waves did not seem to want to stop and I did not know if I could keep afloat – I thought in that brief moment I was about to drown. I did not of course, but the hopelessness of the circumstances seemed almost too much – almost.

That experience in the surf never left me. As the new circumstances a lifetime later befell me, I almost felt un-equipped to confront them – almost. Unlike that day in the surf, or those days earlier getting sober, this time I had help, this time I had a Higher Power in my life. At no time like before, I was now able to recall the affirmative reply I had given to my sponsor when asked the question: Are you willing to go to any length? Now the rubber was really meeting the road, I was being asked if I had meant what I had said those many years before when I wanted so much to just stay stopped.  As suggested, I had sought to improve that conscious contact. But what would that mean, now when events were upon me and I needed it the most. Lo and behold, as I was told would be the case, my Higher Power was there for me. I had read “There is One Who has all power” and was desirous of the urging “May You find Him now” but that had been to get sober.  

Now I was confronted with how that reality would play out in my life beyond sobriety. “May You find Him now” spoke to me in terms anew, as to feelings abounding, as to solutions that seemed, at least, unconventional. May You find Him now – if I did, what would He do for me? That obviously was the wrong point of view. May You find Him now – if I did, what would I do to enhance that discovery, that relationship? This seemed to be the question. As the effort to confront this question in another unconventional manner, through meditation, presented itself, I sensed more doors starting to open.

“Hope” in a strange way had taken on a new light. Surely I had “hoped” that the crises I faced would each, in their own time subside and hopefully work out in my favor. Now after a time, it seemed that “Hope” had become a goal I sought to achieve with my Higher Power. That, regardless of the outcome, I would indulge that relationship with a greater fervor, with a more conscious sense of gratitude and the “Hope” that I would succeed in demonstrating that fervor and gratitude, daily, one day at a time became the goal. To those who are painstaking comes the promise of a whole new attitude and outlook upon life. I thought that meant I would be happy with a used car or satisfied even if I had not gotten that well-deserved raise. I had not expected that new attitude would be the enhancement of my relationship with a Higher Power with Whom I thought I already had a pretty good thing going. Yet I found that the limits to that rapport were only in my head, only in my thinking.  So that if I were only to further seek, I would surely find. I had but to push upon that door opened so long ago, to the certainty – May You Find Him Now, and I did again, to a still even newer happiness. 

By Christine R.

“Lord!  Grant me patience!” Later you find yourself in the longest line in the post office. You get to practice patience, and you get your wish! More patience. My sponsor prayed for more money. The response from On High was to send an exorbitant IRS tax bill. Forced to go out and get another job, she got more money. Yep! She got what she prayed for. 

From page 552 of our Big Book comes what some gals call the “Pray for the Bastard” prayer. “May he get what he deserves.” Actually, the text reads, “Pray for the person or thing you resent, and you will be free. Ask for their health, prosperity and happiness, and you will be free.” “Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it…” Sometimes I have to pray for the willingness to pray. At times such a resentment arises, I have to pray for the willingness to be willing to be willing. It can start from the back 10-yard line. But willingness comes if I am to stay sober. 

My best example comes from a home group member who was always late, noisy, and argumentative. With a folding chaise lounge and two dogs, knowing dogs were not allowed on the property, she clattered on through. Four steering committee meetings later, we got the dogs out – outside the door that is, nosing around, in and out on occasion. Verbal altercations erupted. Not liking her became a pastime, ‘til my sponsor got a-hold of me. If I were a puppy, she’d have been shaking me by the scruff of my neck. “Where is your compassion?” she demanded. She continued with, “You’re just a garden variety drunk. No better or worse than anyone else here.” Then, she put me on the two-week plan of praying for the woman.  

Willing to be willing. And willing to take action. Trusting my sponsor, praying to be willing and acting, got my hubs turned and I was free from the muck of my discontent. The “emotional rearrangement” of old ideas for new ones came through. It worked! Eventually, this woman and I became friends. She attended all my speech competitions (without her chaise) and was welcome support right up until the day she died. 

As long as there are suffering alcoholics, there will be prayers. Prayers like: 

• Pray for a slow recovery.
• Pray for joy and victory. Why? Because you haven’t had much of these.
• Grant me the serenity.
• Thy will be done.
• Or the alcoholics’ simple prayer, “God Help Me!”  

Another prayer story comes from my friend Elan, from the Apache Nation. As most Native Americans I’ve known, he dearly loves his family. But the Booze loved him more. Elan lost access to his daughter and his granddaughter to our disease. The daughter refused to see him and would not allow her daughter anywhere near him. Anguish, sorrow, and rage were his keepers by day and night. Frantic to see them but powerless to do so. His sponsor told him to pray this prayer, “I pray my family is safe and warm and well fed.” “Who could argue that?” he told me.

Fast forward a few years praying this prayer came the day when Elan is at a tribal gathering. From out of the blue appears a little girl swirling around his legs crying, “Grandpa!” His daughter was only a few feet away. Safe and warm and well-fed, they came of their own volition, not through his struggling to have his way. They came by prayer and the powerful Hand of God.  

Thank God for AA and Thank AA for God.

By John W.

Alone and Deep in Thought
                         I was Behind Enemy Lines

My cartridge belt held nothing, my clips
Were all exhausted, the ammo cans were empty.
Comrades had long ago fallen too, or had
They just stopped being there for me?

The loneliness was too much to bear – almost.
The fear hung like a cape worn always – almost.
The frustration of uncertainty was daunting – almost.
The anger at my predicament was overwhelming – almost.

Alone and Deep in Thought
                         I was Behind Enemy Lines

I could do nothing and die,
Of this I was sure, convinced. 
I was certain of the fate before
Me to which inaction would lead.

The carrot of Recovery on the Stick
Of the Steps seemed too good to be true – almost.
The Rarity of Failure to those who
Thoroughly followed the Path, unbelievable – almost.

Alone and Deep in Thought
                         I was Behind Enemy Lines

Huddled amongst mossy burls
Below shields of camouflaging greens at
First I wept for Joy I was alive, still
Above Ground and Breathing one more day.

And with each day of continued success 
I found my once wayward comrades returning.
As I trudged, first so terribly alone
But then no longer so, my steps lightened.

Alone and Deep in Thought
                         I was Behind Enemy Lines

How “The Shift” came about to this
Moment I do not know, but as clearly
As a hot round piercing flesh it stung
Me, it instantly commanded my full attention.

As those days of attention too began to number
With them came a hitherto unknown calm,
A sense of belonging whose location had no map
Coordinates, yet whose course my attention charted.

Deep in Thought – But No Longer Alone
                      No Longer was I Behind Enemy Lines

*   *   *   *   *

By David L.

When I first thought of Step 10, I immediately pictured the face of a co-worker. The scenario that came to mind wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t his fault. But the feeling of guilt still hovered over my mind. 

I’m a taxi driver, and on this day, I had a wife jump into my cab. At the same time, her husband jumped into his cab. Now, in this situation, the husband, not wanting to get into a fight, chose the wife’s cab, mine.

I know the co-worker was disappointed, so after I dropped them off, I searched for him to make a 10th Step amends by splitting the payment in half. His eyes lit up and we both laughed about it. Our bond with one another became closer. But most important, I rid myself of the feeling of guilt and slept well that night.

By Justin W.

A daily Eleven Step practice has changed my life and my recovery. I believe this daily practice has enhanced every single one of the Twelve Steps in my life. I was oblivious to most of what I was thinking my whole life. Now that I meditate daily for forty-five minutes, I am always aware of what I am thinking, which is the key to the progress of my recovery because everything makes me reflect. 

I tell anyone if you want to see how truly powerless you are try to do what I do on a daily basis: single pointed concentration meditation. I try to keep one thought in my head for forty-five minutes every day: I am. I am is the only thing I truly know. Everything else is inference suspect to doubt. When I first started this practice seven years ago, I would come to without being able to focus on those words at all with my ADHD. This practice has been the only treatment for my ADHD that has ever worked for me. I can read pages off a book today without my mind wandering all over the place because of it. When I first started, I was amazed at how powerless I was over both the thoughts that arose in my mind as well as how they made me feel; it is how we feel about what we think that controls our actions. I tell anyone when they first start: Ask yourself if you have any control over the thoughts that rise in your mind and how you feel about them. Or “does nothing, absolutely nothing, happen in God’s world by mistake?”

If anyone is truly struggling with God, I tell them to look within, and a daily Eleven Step of any kind will help someone look within. I hated God when I got to recovery, but I made the words “I don’t know” my higher power, which is what Bill tells us to be willing to say in We Agnostics. “I don’t know” can honestly answer every question except “I am,” and God has all the answers. 

If anyone wants to do a true searching and fearless moral inventory, I tell them to sit in silence and just watch where your mind takes you. Everything that controls you will be shown to you. Your character defects will be revealed to you because you will always be aware of all that you are thinking. Because I meditate so much, everything about my behavior is reflected to me in the actions I take. Even the ones I need to make amends for. 

As it says in Step Ten: “It is a spiritual axiom that no matter what the cause, if I am disturbed the problem is with me.” Before daily meditation, I was oblivious when I was disturbed because I was never aware of what I was thinking. Before I meditated daily, I found my biggest problem with doing “the next right thing” was because I was never aware of my true motivations. 

As stated above, everything makes me reflect, which makes me so grateful I have this daily practice. A daily Eleventh Step has solved so many of my problems and allows me to continue to grow in a positive manner and carry the message to the next sufferer who crosses my path. So yes, every single Step is enhanced by Step Eleven.