The Point

By the time I was even able 
to consider making an amend, 
he was long buried, my insults 
and transgressions with him.

How could those wrongs ever 
be addressed, a letter read 
over a cold tombstone seemed 
the best alternative.  

The brilliance of the option 
then suggested was lost on me 
when heard. But I had asked 
this one for help for a reason.

They had already walked this path 
and helped others like me.
Not only did their idea make
sense, they had not been wrong yet.

So, into their eyes I spoke of the
past about which I had such regret.  
In those eyes of the living, I was able 
to gaze into The Eyes Of The Dead.

Not to etched granite in green lea did I 
make this amend, but to a living, breathing
person. Someone who could feel the harm, 
share the hurt I had inflicted before.  

I could say what needed to be said, knowing 
it fell not on deaf ears. Into those eyes 
I looked, seeing neither the forgiveness nor the 
understanding which were not theirs to give. 

In these mirrors to my soul, I saw instead the peace 
which comes from a task well done, I saw instead the 
freedom which comes from an amend well made, I saw 
instead what it means to fearlessly work the steps.

John R. Wallace 

08/23/2024

Dedicated to Barbara C. – She of the Brilliant Idea

By: Christine R.

“What’s your sign?” was the great pick-up line in my day. To keep the patter going, we all knew our Zodiac signs. Like I understood a thing or two, I would tell you in deep cabernet intonations, “Triple Scorpio and proud of it.” Today in AA when I think of signs, what comes to mind are our old-fashioned, beat up, 8 by 12 laminated posters scattered around the walls of my home group, the Cabin. Inscribed in some sort of Edwardian script, they take a while for newcomers’ blurred eyes to home in on, much less comprehend their intent. 

But For The Grace Of God, One Day At A Time, Easy Does It¹. How could any of these save a person from drinking? Little by little, each sign has come to enter my heart in ways both wonderful and miraculous. I love, “But For The Grace Of God.” Grace is defined as an undeserved gift.  Because I go with, “If it were about justice, I’d be dead,” I know grace, that undeserved gift, brought sobriety and keeps me sober today. 

One Day At A Time. So helpful when we want to be well by yesterday. Realizing life truly is lived one day at a time, Easy Does It comes naturally.  We can relax and take it easy.  When traveling two miles into a forest, it takes two miles to return. With many years of drinking behind us, it takes a while for healing to take place. We look for progress not perfection.²

Now we come to another sign not previously listed.  An important one, always found in meetings, is the Exit sign. In my newcomer days, the Exit sign was by my best friend.  By sitting in the back of the room, looking for the Exit sign usually posted next to a big clock on the wall, I could figure out when to leave early thanks to that sign. 

With time, as with so many things in AA, the Exit sign proves to be one of our more valuable assets. Through this vehicle we take the principles we learn out into the world. It is not enough to hole up in AA meetings. Our program flourishes when we move forward and outward. 

We form our future on the foundational principles of the Program. The cornerstone and the keystone are building blocks for a better tomorrow. “Upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built.³  With the keystone in place we create “the new and triumphant arch through which we pass to freedom at last.”⁴

The Exit sign comes to mean more than arriving late and leaving early. Initially my seat was near the Exit sign to leave early.  Now this cat bird seat allows me to follow that early-leaving newcomer out into the parking lot for some good, old-fashioned fellowship – another sign this individual is loved and cared for; a lifeline to not leave in a huff but to stay the course.  

The last person to leave discovers opportunities to take on more signs, like signing up for set-up, clean up, or greeter.  By signing up, we find more chances to share our experience strength and hope with newcomers.  Alone no longer, we can travel through the Exit together.  Now that’s a Great Sign!

1.  Also found in B.B. Page 135 ↩︎
2. B.B. Page 60 ↩︎
3. B.B. Page 47 ↩︎
4. B.B. Page 62 ↩︎

By Anon.

Having done a thorough Step 8 when I first got sober and worked the steps (At least to the best of my ability at the time, which my Sponsor anointed with his solemn approval), I had that experience in the spiritual tool kit I was filling up for the days to follow. Step 10 of course kept me on track as sober days became years, so I thought of Step 8 more as a memory, or in the abstract at meetings, something to hone for use with a sponsee down the road.

However, when the challenges of life on life’s terms hit like a tsunami, abstract thinking, memories, or my idea of what’s good for you, were washed away in the torrent of the “storm” confronted. As instructed, I sought to determine what Step(s) applied to the circumstances at hand. My sponsor, that thorough I want “what he has” kind of guy, of course reminded me that Step 4, the Step to which I was pointed to assist on the arc of life which I was trudging, required a searching and fearless moral inventory. With earnestness he added that failure to fully perform Step 4 lead many guys with more days than I back to the bottle. This was not an attractive alternative at all.

With my new 4th Step inventory completed, I moved through the admissions trice and took the book down from the shelf, which itself had yielded unexpected and marvelous results. To this HP I was now experiencing in a new and wondrous way, I was able to ask that my defects be removed. With all I could muster, I was even willing to make this request straight from my heart and with complete abandon, as rigorous honesty now demands my witness. But the Big Book seems to never let AAers rest on their laurels, its authors knew a drunk like me was in trouble if I did. Instead I was called to more action.

Now I had to make a list of “All Persons We Had Harmed.” Since that “ancient history” had been done and my recent episodes “promptly admitted,” as the effect of now requesting my defects be removed sank in, I had to ask – Whom had I harmed by the expression of these defects this time?

The answer was unexpected, as it was “Me.” Here I was, Making a List, and the first name on it was mine. My sponsor assured me this was not a hidden manifestation of ego, but rather an honest appraisal of the results of my inventory. For while I had developed resentments towards those on my inventory, thanks to my HP and my fellow AAers, I had not acted out upon those resentments. But I  sure let them eat me alive. While I had not taken actions which I regretted or which called for an amend to another, I waxed profusely and profanely in the privacy of my own mind.

I riddled my HP with questions, demanded He conjure up favorable responses to my plightsand, perhaps the saddest of all, denied myself the reality, and worse, my willingness to accept, He had all of these circumstances under control. I forgot I was in His care, an actor on His stage, a worker amongst workers in His field. As this realization was made exact during my Step 5, the reflections suggested by Step 6 revealed it was my shortcomings, my inability to trust my HP, which required attention and change; which demanded I ask them to be removed. To change, I needed to be willing and then humbly ask for the help needed. In that reflection I also saw whom I had “hurt” in the expression of this shortcoming, who needed to be on my Eighth Step List – Me.

Into “the mirror” which my sponsor “held” to assist my perception, I looked at me. I could now see and begin to appreciate just how destructive my thinking and the patterns created had been on me, why I owed “me” an amend. I may not have lashed out at another [thank goodness] as I had fretted with my issues, but I  sure beat myself to a pulp. I did not like the circumstances, but I found I had begun to accept them as they were. Whether mine was to be a tragedy or a comedy, only my Director knew. But as my play of life unfolded, my lines now came more freely for I had through this Step 8 begun my living amend to “Me.”

By Jay F.

I remember when I read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time and came across the Twelve Steps listed in Chapter Five. Looking down the list of Steps one stood out to me, Step Nine: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” All the other Steps seemed a bit esoteric, but the Ninth Step was one of action. People I knew in early recovery were dreading the fact they had to make direct amends to people. Not this alcoholic. 

For what would I need to make amends? Wasn’t I the one who was harmed by drinking? I never stole money, drank on the job, or anything as horrible as other people had done. In my mind I had not harmed anyone, my actions were “victimless crimes.”

They say the Steps are in order for a reason, and my experience proves this to be true. Before we can make amends in the Ninth step, we must first work Step Eight: “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.” With the help of my first sponsor, I set out to make the list, and there were quite a few people on it! I soon realized that I did in fact harm others during my drinking career and needed to make amends for my behavior.

My life up to that point had been one of constant lying and pursuing my obsession to drink to the detriment of those around me. This was especially true to the people closest to me, most notably my immediate family. They figured prominently on my list. The selfish notion that I was the only victim proved false as we went through this Step thoroughly and honestly. I will add that going through the list with my sponsor was critical, as his experience, strength, and hope helped to guide me. 

My sponsor also stressed that the key word in this Step is “willing.” As we went through the list, he kept reminding me that I must be willing to make these amends for the promises to come true. If I was not yet willing, then I should make conscious contact with my higher power and summon the willingness. As it says in the Spiritual Experience Appendix II in the Big Book: “Willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery.” He was fond of pointing out that “everything is in the book,” which seems so obvious all these years later!

So, list in hand and willingness in my heart I completed Step Eight and was ready to make amends. Any fear I had about approaching people to take responsibility for my actions was gone.By making a list of all the people I had harmed I was holding myself accountable and became willing to look at my part. This was but one step towards my journey to live a life as a sober man and practice the principles of AA in all my affairs. The Twelve Steps are truly a design for living that really works if we are willing to do the work.

By Christine R.

“Does the noise in my head bother you?” From the comedy, “The Gods Must Be Crazy,” we can laugh at the shared experience of our inner loudspeaker because we know it so well. Whether a suited-up Wall Street executive or unemployed bib-overall worker, people enter the rooms saying, “My head is driving me crazy.” 

In olden days, we called this “The Committee.” Often the Committee arrives at a standstill of 5 to 5. A back-and-forthing, teeter-tottering into analysis paralysis. Rather like a rocking chair: Lots of rocking – leading nowhere.      

Whatever we name these voices, we can ask ourselves, who is doing the talking and who is doing the listening? The brain is the Yacker. The Soul is the Listener. Our job is to live in the Listener; to support the Listener, not the Yacker. Sober Brain vs. Sober Mind.  The brain is individual. The mind is vast, of Spirit and universal. Along the way, we come to realize the gut and the heart also have minds. Hence the universality of, “Follow your heart,” “I had a gut feeling,” “I intuitively knew.”

Bill says it best “… with the new God-consciousness within, what was common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt and ask for courage and strength to meet my problems as He would have me.”¹

In Step 3 we turn the issue over to God. “Relieve me of the bondage of self.” Freedom from the noisy brain. I have a circular pin around which the circumference reads, “Turn It Over.”  Round and round it goes as over and over throughout the day I turn the button to read, “Turn It Over.”  “Many times each day…. Thy Will not mine be done.” ²

A highlight to this dilemma comes from a sponsor who said, “You know you are working the Steps when the voice of your conscience sounds like your sponsor.”  Indeed, 33 years later I still hear Barbara’s voice in reply to my whining about the Program, “Before you go out again, (as I was about to do), call your friend who drank recently.  Listen to how great it is to start again as a newcomer with your hand up for 30 days.  Listen to how hard it is to get over the craving and the obsession with alcohol.  Have the privilege of listening to someone else for a while.”  With her voice ringing in my head years later, who is the listener here?

In AA we speak the language of the heart, and the ear is the avenue to the heart.³ The remedy comes from the privilege of listening to you. The privilege of listening to others in meetings silences the Committee and the Monkey Mind. 

Give the Monkey Mind a spiritual banana with a mantra like “Be Still.” Put a leash on that puppy as it yaps away about the past and the future. Skittering back and forth through puddles of despair, self-pity, fear, resentment or hate. My visual is a tape player. Press the “Play” button and up comes the internal story line like: “He said. She said. He did. She did.” With a case of the “He-She’s” we lose perspective and are challenged to see our part in things. Time to press the “Stop” button. Or better yet, the “Erase” button and move on.  

A litmus test to determine our spiritual fitness is heard when we find ourselves conversing with people who aren’t there. The Think-A-Thon ensues as we chat it up with invisible people or imaginary situations, particularly while driving. To return to spiritual awareness, a little Indian brass bell called a God Bell dangles from my rear-view mirror. Swinging back and forth, as I swerve, dodge, and shout invectives to people not in my car, the tinkling bell restores my sanity. A God Bell, a Singing Bowl, the purity of sound, and our listening for that sound, draws us home to prayer and to peace.

1. B.B. p. 13 Bill’s Story ↩︎
2. B.B. p. 88 Into Action ↩︎
3.  Voltaire ↩︎

By John. W

My guilt when I began was all I had sought to acquit.
After years of denial, sobriety let me reveal my secrets at last.
My “rational lies” about my alternative facts of life no longer fit,
Replaced by an honest inventory I thought was a gift from my past.

But as the awakening grew and brought focus to my vision with it,
Slowly I saw that for My Future had I my recovery been given.
Only by the excesses from before, could I climb from my horrible pit,
My alcoholism demanding that my recovery would by My Future be driven.

Now revealed, I saw I had arrived Not By My Past, but For My Future.  
My prize was a broad highway and the opportunity to trudge the road.
I discovered with each Step taken, I could my new life nurture,
Unveiling on my journey, life’s wondrous beauties to behold.

                      Harms were listed, amends planned and undertaken, the past freshly swept,
                      The promise of a new freedom and a new happiness, one day at a time, kept.

By Anon

I always thought I was actually the responsible one in the equation. I thought that the “other half” of the relationship, whether business or marital, was what needed fixing. Most certainly if you had the kind of “partners” I had, you would drink too, and you would certainly know why I drank. I didn’t drink because of a problem, I drank at a problem.

Despite all of my being responsible, things still fell apart. My drinking more at those things sure did not help. As I finally tried to start climbing out of my bottom, one day at a time, with Twelve Steps in front of me, I heard something that rang so true. A woman shared that she had been fixing her husband with her drinking. She said she realized her method was like trying to get rid of the rat across the room by drinking the poison herself. It did not work!  WOW! Did that ever sound familiar! I thought that the dutiful dad I was, who worked long hours to pay the bills at home, as well as carry the load at the office, was entitled to a wee nip [or 12] after work, to take the edge off a brutal day. I did not realize, until the nature of my wrongs were gently pointed out by my Sponsor, that while I thought I was being responsible for a lot of positive things, which was true, at the same time I was responsible for inflicting a lot of harm upon those I cared about the most.

As the sun set on that Fifth Step I realized my perception of responsibility was terribly distorted by my obsession with alcohol. What began to germinate in me, though I don’t believe I realized it at the time, was a new attitude about what it meant to be responsible, especially when it came to my alcoholism.

As my days started to become years, I was better able to accept the responsibility that I too had to carry the message to the next drunk who might stumble through the door. But I saw there had to be a “door” to stumble through. Somebody had to pay to have a “door” to stumble through and for that too, I was responsible.

I was certain I was responsible while supporting my clients, my business or my family, so the shock was in realizing I now needed to support our meeting, our program and our hand reaching out to the alcoholic who needed help. That was a switch. That was a change of outlook. That was most certainly a change of attitude.

As I witnessed how it worked, I saw that to get something to transmit, where before there had been only a vacuum, I needed to take action. I had to do something to help the “door” be both there and open. Regular meeting attendance seemed pretty straightforward and putting a contribution into the basket passed made sense too. Commitments which I volunteered for helped me finally feel a part of, at home with, our group.  

My Home Group would not falter unless we let it. Our daily task is simple, yet profound:  Be ready to give to others what we have so freely received. I saw that when newcomers showed up, and we were there to offer support, there was a meaning to life which before was missing.  My Sponsor put the sublime into clearer terms when he observed I was feeling this way because I was finally being responsible, not just acting responsible. I was investing myself in something, our AA Program and its life saving potential, rather than just paying bills and reviewing balance sheets. By belonging in and to our AA Program of Recovery, he showed me also how I was actually becoming, in my small way, responsible for it. This return on the investment was one I never expected and now work each day not to lose. 

If We Are Painstaking

By: Rick R.

Unless you were born with a total understanding of alcoholism, had the desire to become an alcoholic, and had the capacity to make the decision to do so at birth, I cannot see how anyone can be held responsible for becoming an alcoholic. It would be like saying  you had a choice of whether to itch when you have poison ivy. It is a disease. To my knowledge, there is no definite understanding of what causes alcoholism, for if there were, we could treat it before it became a problem. We are not responsible for becoming alcoholic. We are, however, accountable for our behavior, whether we are drinking or not. Most alcoholics whom I’ve known have had an abundance of things in their past they wish they could erase from the records. Some of those memories we would like to take to the grave with us. These secrets, I believe, are the biggest hurdle to stand in the way of the peace of mind and the feeling of wellbeing we all strive for. Most of these behaviors can be rectified by making amends and restitution using the 12 Steps. By doing so, we change that behavior and no longer do those things/habits we regret. 

One of the promises of the A.A. program is, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” I believe I have reached that level of growth. However, I do have deeds in my past I regret having done, and they can never be erased. I have discussed those things with trusted advisors over the years. And while we do that, to admit and to be accountable for those things is a good start, but what can be done about those deeds that can’t be mended? They can never be erased, but they can be resolved by replacing my old, selfish habits with new, unselfish deeds, spiritual in nature,  allowing me to repay my debt (one pebble at a time) to the many people, less fortunate than myself, who could use a hand up. This can be done in a spiritual or in a material way, whichever the situation requires. By doing this, anonymously and without fanfare, it allows me to balance the scales and to heal my conscience.

I try to be kind and understanding. I do my best to be an asset and never a liability. I try to bring more to the table than I take away. I try, always, to be honest with myself about my motives. In these endeavors, perseverance and time will heal the guilt and shame. I believe I will always have some regrets about having done those things, but I will not be plagued by them. Today I am right with myself and with the world. I am a very grateful alcoholic today, only because I contracted the disease of alcoholism in my youth, suffered desperation, forced myself to swallow my pride, came to A.A., and recognized the value of surrendering to it with the desire to live a life at peace. I try to go through each day without doing anything I REGRET. Today I am happy and content. I can’t imagine ever having found an approach to life that could have come anywhere close to the life I live today as the result of taking these steps and practicing these principles in all my affairs. Today I wouldn’t trade places with anyone on this planet.