One Pebble At A Time
By Rick R.
When entering AA for the first time, looking at the steps, getting a sponsor, going to meetings, doing service work, and all the other suggestions we hear in the meetings, it can seem like an impossible undertaking, and that is not unusual. A sponsor might say, “Slow down, life isn’t passing you by near as fast as you think it is. These things take time.” Those of us who have thoroughly followed this path can testify to the fact that this process works perfectly if we meet the requirements suggested in each of the twelve steps. We get a slow and steady reprieve as we resolve these issues.
When people say this is a simple program for complicated people, they are not far off. Telling a new member that if it weren’t for the wreckage of the past, and those tormenting memories left in its wake, we would simply have to stop doing the thing we are ashamed of and after a while, time would heal everything. However it’s our past guilt and shame that are the things causing us to seek relief via the bottle. Deep down inside we feel unworthy. Does this mean that we can’t do anything about things unless we are at that particular step?
I often hear people talking about carrying around a sack of rocks and I know getting through inventories and amends may take years for some of us. What can we do to get the ball rolling? I have come to realize the sack of rocks turns out to be a few rocks and a million pebbles. (Little selfish things I do, or did, in my daily life of which I’m not proud). Gossip, criticism, sloth, lying, and character assassination to name a few. If I am to live well today, I must identify these things and my motives for doing them and rid myself of them, one pebble at a time.
I can even speed up the process by replacing those behaviors with unselfish deeds such as minding my own business, letting someone ahead in traffic, having a smile for everyone, putting the cart back at the grocery store, and making my bed each day. These types of gestures, I call my spiritual pebbles. I get a warm feeling inside when I do them without fanfare. I have never gotten a warm feeling from doing a selfish deed. However, I have gotten a feeling of unworthiness from them. I can start with my family, my loved ones, my friends, my fellow workers and continue to spiral outward to everyone I encounter during the day. These unselfish things cost me nothing. As time passes, they become part of who I am. Today I have nothing to be ashamed of. Life is good.
