by Rick R.
During my most desperate days, I was the guy standing around in the parking lot at 5:45 AM along with one or two other desperate souls, waiting for the bar to open. I was craving a drink. When we heard the keys being inserted in the door from the inside, we knew the agonizing wait was almost over. The door would open, and the bartender would greet us with a patronizing smile. We would trade wise cracks in an attempt to make normal, a scene that was obviously pathetic. We then sat down at the bar. The bartender would draw a glass of beer and place it in front of me. I would sit there for about five minutes, just staring at the bubbles rising, before drinking. I was already getting relief before I even raised the glass to my lips.
Why the delay? If I was so desperate, why didn’t I just pick it up and guzzle it down? The answer came to me years after I was sober. It occurred to me that, in those five minutes, I was attempting to regain my dignity. After all I could not be that desperate, could I?
I would sit there for about five minutes, just staring at the bubbles rising
It took about four more years of drinking to get me to the point where I had lost more than I was willing to lose and was about to lose a lot more. In those four years, in a last-ditch effort to regain some sanity, I re-enlisted in the navy, one of the only things I was still qualified for. In a short period of time, I also got married, had a child, and was divorced by correspondence. I was all over the Pacific while trying to deal with all of this. I then started to lose the ability to show up at my ship on Monday mornings and the reality started to set in once again. Without the discipline and structure of the navy, I would be, once more, standing in front of that bar before it opened. That was the last straw.
I called Alcoholics Anonymous that morning and, in military terms, I did the right about-face. Then that part of my life was over. I spent the last 13 years of my navy career sober and on the cutting edge of the Navy’s Alcoholism Program. I went to school to learn about alcoholism in different cultures in the world and became the Collateral Duty Alcoholism Consultant (CODAC). I monitored and counseled different departments about alcohol. I retired in 1982 to continue this wonderful journey as a civilian once again.
Without the discipline and structure of the navy, I would be, once more, standing in front of that bar before it opened
I was not much for platitudes. When I was in my first year of sobriety, I heard a man sharing, “If I surrendered to this disease, cleared up the wreckage of the past, and practiced these principles in all my affairs, I could walk out the door with my dignity and my self-respect.” He seemed to understand how worthless I felt about myself. I knew that I was in the right place. I took him up on the challenge and things have never been the same.
I have learned about character building, respect for everyone around me, compassion, forgiveness, faith, unselfishness, and how to be a friend. The list goes on and on. In closing, I would like to quote another old friend, who is no longer with us. He used to close his sharing at the meetings saying: “I am sober today, I will get weller [sic] with time, but I never want to graduate from this wonderful program.”
