The Buzz | May 31, 2024

A member shares the lessons of navigating a life with 20 years of sobriety. 

By John W.

Vapors off the ice
Wafted in the glint
Of a morning sun
Peeking midst the boughs
Of trees standing watch
Over the solitary pond.

To the wandering eye
Disclosing no clue as
To the thickness of the ice
Or the depth of the water below
Revealing only it was
Cold enough to freeze.

Which should be enough
To warn the skater
About whether or not
The venue selected for today’s binge
Was a wise one or simply a mistake,
Thinking this time would be different . . .

From the last time
Where ice a body’s weight
Did not support.
Where freezing cold water
Greeted double axel’s landing;
Where Thin Ice was.

Insanity only would
Cajole the eye to wander to
Again, where before had
Been disaster, almost death.
The blindness of denial
A powerful amnesia.

Skater still those bright blades
Sharpened and at laces firmly tugged
Round leather tongues upon tibia pressed
Preparing for today’s foray
Upon a pond, into a life,
Upon Thin Ice, which lay ahead.

T’was then a thought hit,
As shivering as the warming
Snow which upon the skater fell
From overloaded limb above
Finally coaxed by sun’s rays:
“Not this time – Not this Day!”

This thought “dropped” quickly
From skater’s head to heart
Knots, though firm, untied with ease.
Wooden runners upon sharpened blades
Were likewise now with ease replaced.
Snow boots soon shod the skater’s feet.

The Thin Ice a challenge
To be faced perchance another day,
Just not to be faced: Today.
This day would be different.
This day the skater had awakened.
This day the skater could say “No”.

By Dede H.

My group of drunks are wild
Becoming emotionally sober
Women bravely going mild
Together is easier than apart
Grateful to you for saving me

You are my H.P. personified
Recovery evident in your shares
Carefully crafted yet honest
Minding personal boundaries
Conveying unconditional love

I see you every morning at 9
Most of us are out of bed
Few hangovers from old wine
Happiness and joy always read
Recovery and appreciation said

I live my life with you in mind
Know a relapse hurts your heart
I have been a heartbreaker too
Remind myself I’ll see you soon
I can survive hard sober days

By Anon.

I had learned that if I was to stay sober, something had to change. That the key to that change was my own, personal willingness to go to any length, to want this like my life depended upon it – because it did. I was promised a “new freedom and new happiness,” a serenity, would be experienced in my journey to a “spiritual awakening” which itself would be a result of working the steps. But I had to work these Steps, not just talk about working them, nor rest on my laurels contemplating my success. 

So it was that, when confronted with life on life’s terms, my sponsor recommended I bring the Steps to bear upon the problems which had surfaced, real life problems, issues of home and heart. For my disease was baffling, it was convincing me I did not deserve to be besieged by such calamities as those I faced, I had stopped drinking after all, I could expect better. My disease was cunning, it told me that others were really at fault, their actions brought about my problems, I was certainly justified in seeing how they were not upholding their end of the bargain. My disease was also poignantly powerful, it reminded me that I had been without for so long, this time would be different.  It cooed warmly that if for some silly reason just “the one” caused any problem at all, I would certainly know what to do. After all it purred “You’re a double digit AAer, you can handle a problem if one ever came up.” The committee between my ears which comprised my disease was patiently weaving its cords of resentment, it was working overtime on its net to snare me.

Yet my sponsor had been right – no surprise to you I am sure, but a welcome revelation to me in the state to which I had gone.  For as I had penned my resentments and taken the inventories of those with whom I had been peeved, I began to see the other side of the street – my side. As I admitted these observations to another alcoholic, he helped me see with greater clarity and precision my shortcomings.  If he asked me once, at least a half-dozen times he inquired: Where is your Higher Power in all of this?  For the common thread in all was FEAR and I was not seeking to explore this false evidence through any attempt at “conscious contact,” I was just accepting it as real because that was the way it appeared.  

Such was my mental deportment, when following these three admissions, I removed my Big Book from the shelf. In that moment, the eyes of awakening became wide open as they had never been in me before. Indeed, I was now entirely ready, but to do what? What was my next step?

I had needed help, I had sought it out, my sponsor and another drunk like me had extended their hands and help in guidance and assistance, I had acknowledged my part and was entirely ready to be rid of it, I knew this would aid me to confront life’s pressing circumstances sober – What was left to do?  Then I heard the echo from earlier – Where is your Higher Power in all of this?

All about “me” it had been, that had been my focus.  In that moment it seemed to dawn upon me, whether finally or in the rush of a brilliant new sunrise, that I needed to ask Him for help too.  In that same tenor and tone in which I scribe these words to those who read them, in just these same real terms, I needed to ask Him for help.  More importantly, I needed to know and believe that He heard my request.  In that moment, for the first time I could recall, I did know and I did believe my Higher Power heard my request for help.  In that moment waves of freedom and happiness and serenity washed upon me. As that flood overcame me, I knew all would be well. I understood as I asked for my shortcomings to be removed, that though things might not turn out as I wanted, they would be well none the less.  

The intensity of the moment had come from nowhere, I had just taken the book from the shelf as instructed and reviewed what had led to that action. It seems that by acknowledging my lack of faith, the root of my fear, the shortcoming which had caused me to request help in the first place, I had become open to perceive the gift I had already been given, one wrapped in the certainty that all would be well.

By John W.

I was no silly sort, amazed by slight of hand
Or puff of smoke, nor distracted by marching band.
Hard facts alone engaged or engendered trust.
They never let me down, rock solid, ‘ner once a bust.

As sophist sounded the brutal choice before me:
Put down the jug they said, if you hope to be free.
The folly of this logic was all I cared to admit,
For drink caused not the problems, those succumbed to wit.

Drink was just this “good man’s fancy,” on this I did rely.
A fancy filled with fraud, that life’s truths it did belie.
How long I would indulge the lie, a life or death question,
That denial would not let me pose, so deep my self-deception.

When even my time in jail, seemed not to be insanity’s brink,
Only then did I begin to see, I was destroying my life with drink.
If by the numbers this deadly game I would still presume to play,
Lost in the bottle I would be and with my life I would surely pay.

Somehow, someway, for reasons I know not, this doom I avoided
Whether luck, fate or chance I cannot say, why with life I was rewarded.
The karma of this result I pondered not and simply let gratitude bloom,
Still I sensed some higher purpose that upon my life’s horizon did loom.

Though the trudging had at times been hard, always it was measured.
The gifts it had bestowed already, were beyond worth and treasured.
But into the pool I had to dive, wet toes alone were not enough,
The change ahead and what it promised, demanded other stuff.

As if the tule fog had vanished, with help I saw It Just Made Sense.
To walk this way of life I had been given, with neither guile nor pretense.
To give the good and bad to my powerful Ally at last I said “Why not!”
And begin thereby to live a life with meaning, no longer just a hopeless sot.

By Dede H.

My group of drunks are wild
Becoming emotionally sober
Women bravely going mild
Together is easier than apart
Grateful to you for saving me

You are my H.P. personified
Recovery evident in your shares
Carefully crafted yet honest
Minding personal boundaries
Conveying unconditional love

I see you every morning at 9
Most of us are out of bed
Few hangovers from old wine
Happiness and joy always read
Recovery and appreciation said

I live my life with you in mind
Know a relapse hurts your heart
I have been a heartbreaker too
Remind myself I’ll see you soon
I can survive hard sober days

By The Sunshine Club

The Sunshine Club is an AA service committee that brings fellowship to AA members who are unable to attend meetings due to illness or injury.

In 2007, Carole P. was in a car accident and all the bones in her left foot were broken; she had to keep her foot elevated for 6-months. During this time to alleviate her isolation and the noise in her head her friend David C. started organizing meetings for her at home. Throughout the entirety of her recuperation, folks from her home groups brought her meetings. After her recovery, she and David were at a meeting in the Reno/Tahoe area and they heard an announcement about the Sunshine Club. They asked about it and found out it was a robust AA Service committee in the Tahoe area. Carole and David brought the idea back to San Francisco — just as Carole had been able to have fellowship at home, they could bring meetings to others who were in similar straits.

Carole and David started making announcements in AA Business meetings about the new Service Committee, there were a lot of volunteers raising their hand to help bring fellowship to AAs in need. One of our members worked in UCSF Liver Transplant; they suggested there was a need for folks to receive meetings there too. An AA member from Stockton came to UCSF Neurology for extended treatment for epilepsy and she received Sunshine Club meetings in the telemetry unit while being monitored for seizures. One of our local AAers, Gail A, was diagnosed with cancer in 2015; the Sunshine Club brought her meetings every Sunday for months and months during her treatment. Gail felt the strong commitment to service and fellowship they brought her. She had cancer recurrence in 2022 and some of the same folks brought her meetings again, every week. Gail was in a car accident on Jan 1 2023, and was hospitalized for 1 month, afterward she was unable to get up and down her 30 entry way stairs. Again, some of the same AA members brought her meetings.

The initial Sunshine Club team of Carole and David started the meetings when they saw the need amongst themselves, but in 2009 they published an article in the AA Grapevine and that generated a lot of interest. To better share the Sunshine Club model with other AA Service Areas, they formalized and standardized the coordinator training and intake through the Central Office. They figured out what worked—and what didn’t—and came up with guidelines to safely and reliably bring meetings to AA members. The Sunshine Club continued doing just that, holding meetings in people’s homes, hospitals, long-term care facilities, and even providing support during end-of-life hospice care. Sometimes it was a one-time visit, other times it was a few meetings, or even weekly sessions over the course of a year. Their goal has always been the same: to bring meetings and fellowship to the alcoholic who cannot get out to regularly scheduled meetings due to illness or temporary injury.

During COVID-era restrictions on congregating, Sunshine Club meetings were limited. Post-pandemic, Sunshine Club in-person meetings have resumed but the requests for Sunshine Club meetings have been less frequent. While anyone who is homebound can access AA meetings any time on Zoom, our experience suggests that some members may be too physically limited to do so, but given the reduced frequency of incoming meeting requests we don’t know if the fall off is due to lack of awareness of the Sunshine Club or an actual reduced need. And, as always, the members of in-person meetings may rally around and arrange meetings for regular members informally, aside from the Sunshine Club.

Is there still a need for Sunshine Club meetings? Even for those who can access virtual meetings there may be something intrinsically useful and desirable about in person fellowship at home or hospital bedside. The sense of caring and fellowship is immediate. For those who are unable to access virtual meetings, Sunshine Club meetings may be their only face-to-face contact with AA members.

It may be that the awareness of the Sunshine Club’s services has diminished during the period of COVID shut downs. To reacquaint the Marin/San Francisco fellowship we ask that meeting secretaries, especially large meetings, announce that Sunshine Club meetings are available to AA members who are unable to attend regularly scheduled in-person meetings due to illness or injury.

Those AA members who would like to schedule a Sunshine Club meeting can either call Central Office or send a message to [email protected], or submit a request here: SunshineClubRequest. Any AA member who has at least one year of continuous sobriety can become a Sunshine Club volunteer by contacting [email protected] and asking to be notified of the next orientation.

By Anon.

Tradition 6 – “An A.A. group ought never endorse, finance or lend the A.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.” 

OK, I got the part about we don’t run hospitals or rehabs, but otherwise this Tradition seemed as irrelevant to me as the Steps did when I wanted to stop drinking or the Promises did shortly after I did stop.  Of course with each new day of sobriety came a better understanding of just how the Steps needed to be interwoven into my being so I might have some hope of achieving the Promises in the time I had left on this earth – if I was painstaking. But then there were these Traditions, those which kept me from homicide, as the Steps had kept me from suicide.

After over a decade of being sober and contributing along a number of the many service opportunities that were available and which had been suggested, I had again read the story of the guy who would be the front man for the ad program on “How It Worked” that was to be sponsored by the Spirits Industry and if he would take the job. When finally the light dawned on him that this job quite simply was not the “next right thing,” he was quoted in what became for me an extraordinary insight when told there was no legal impediment to him taking on the job under consideration. 

“But this is not time for legalities, Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life, and it comes first. I certainly won’t be the guy to land A.A. in big-time trouble, and this would really do it.” ¹

I had no way to know how many times I had read this quote over the years, but for some reason it made so much more sense this time. I realized it was because the chord it struck was the “spiritual one,” the “life and death one,” for the same was quite true for me “Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life, and it comes first.” I began to think about how that played out in real time. It was easily more important than sleep and comfort, just thinking about how many times I had gone to that 7:00 a.m. meeting (they met  every day, 365 days a year) when sleeping in felt so good – but AA came first. Ironically, it also seemed that those were the days some newcomer showed up needing what I was fortunate enough to have been given by others. My attendance record wasn’t perfect, but thank goodness we sought to progress, not to perfect. Likewise, I had learned that when AA called, my answer was “yes.” 

But when I saw the “spiritual aspect” of Tradition 6 play out the fog lifted. Our group was in the throes of a rent increase for our beloved meeting place and the group was splintered about leaving behind 20+ years of local tradition to save rent money. Our solution:  the Old Timers suggested we pray for guidance! Pray for guidance, you have got to be kidding me I fumed. Get some comparable prices, focus our “pitch” to the local township for a rent break because of how valuable we AAers were to the community about us. That’s what the situation called for, plans not prayers. But they just smiled, said it would all work out, and suggested that asking for guidance and listening for an answer was the winning plan. 

Sure enough everything did work out. A couple of newer folks really stepped up, did their homework and set upon a serene path that worked. Guidance came from those who had been around forever and who knew what to say, how to say it, when to say it and to whom to say it. In this way obstacles vanished, rough edges were smoothed and everything worked out. I saw our principles being practiced in this important, group-wide affair. The Spirituality of the program, unblocked and unfettered by the business mentality I thought had to control the circumstances, had worked, it really had. In this simple way I had learned a valuable lesson which the group had honored in the best way possible, when it had applied to our problem this tradition which reminded us that we could be Bound To No One.

1. “Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions,” page 159. ↩︎